heating bill 142 quid

doors

Good morning to you too! That's not too bad considering the weather we've had, surely? x

its 11pm here and i'm reading about a heating bill. this is what i get for loving my family

I've prepared a breakdown: 1) External temperature was 3 degrees below seasonal average 2) The boiler is 11 years old 3) Freya's flat was at 22 degrees when I visited 4) Nobody's fault, this is normal

Graham 1 Boiler 0

BISCUIT ATE MY CHARGER

like the whole thing. well not whole but like. the cord part

OH NO! Is he alright?? Ring the vet!! x

chewed through it dad. he's fine tho?? just acting weird

Define 'weird'. Does he appear to be in distress? Has there been any vomiting? I would recommend: 1. Contacting the emergency vet immediately 2. Providing them with details of what was ingested (plastic insulation, copper wire, lithium battery components) 3. Not waiting to see if symptoms develop - this constitutes a potential foreign body situation The cost implications are secondary to his wellbeing.

she's really typing out a numbered list at 9am on a sunday while i'm literally trying to sleep at 11pm on what is somehow still friday. freya your dog ate ELECTRICITY

he's literally just sitting here being weird he's not hurt or anything. he won't die from a charger cmon

ring vet

did anyone actually listen to nana's message or are we all just pretending like usual

I'll listen to it in a bit darling! x

Right, flat viewing went ahead. First impressions positive. Structural survey scheduled for Tuesday. Sending through photos now.

1) Front elevation. 2) Hallway. 3) Living room. 4) Kitchen. 5) Master bedroom. 6) Boiler cupboard.

The boiler cupboard in particular—very interested in that space. Efficient layout. Can you see the condensation pattern on the back wall? That's either nothing or everything.

Oh darling well done for actually GOING, I know you were nervous! The kitchen looks quite bright. How many photos of the boiler cupboard did you send?

Seventeen dedicated boiler cupboard images. Also took some wider shots of the utility area but they're essentially boiler cupboard context.

seventeen. SEVENTEEN. mate that's insane it's 2am here and i'm losing it at the boiler cupboard energy

why are u like this lol. did u check if there's mould or is that just ur vibe now

damp

JOSH!! Welcome welcome WELCOME to the family chat!! So thrilled you're here, we're a bit mad but in a good way I think, you'll see what I mean. How are you? How's Ben been treating you?

alright josh

oh god we're about to spam him aren't we

JOSH IS HERE!!! biscuit just barked at the phone i swear he knows 👁️👄👁️

Welcome to the chat, Josh. Three key points: 1) Mum will send links you haven't asked for. 2) Dad has a thing about the thermostat. 3) You are now honour-bound to pretend to listen to Pat's voice notes. All clear?

oh no he's formal

no wait i like him already he's going to HATE us in 3 weeks maximum and thats iconic

Don't listen to Holly, she's in Melbourne and has a terrible attitude about time zones which nobody asked for. Josh you're already family!! Are you coming to Sunday lunch next week?

Got the call from the estate agent. Offer accepted at 172k. They've said yes.

BEN!!! That's wonderful! I'm so proud of you! Your first place! xxx

well done. good work.

ohhh congratulations!! that's sick. literally 3am here but worth staying up for this

BEN!! omg omg 🎉 that's insane!! are you gonna let us come round and judge your fixtures and fittings 👀

Thanks everyone. Survey's next, then searches. Three key stages remaining: 1) Conveyancer review 2) The damp check 3) Exchange and completion. Trying not to get ahead of myself but fairly pleased.

biscuit has eaten something at the park and im panicking

OH NO what was it??

he'll be fine

Freya, I need you to: 1) Take photos of what he ate if possible 2) Note the time 3) Monitor for vomiting/lethargy in next 2 hours. Ring the vet if anything changes. They'll charge £60+ for emergency but better safe.

Freya ring the vet NOW I don't like the look of photo 7, that could be anything. Better safe than sorry kisses x

vet says probably just some old sandwich, cost 64 quid but hes fine lol everyone calm down

Thank goodness. Next time don't Biscuit it - nip it in the bud! x x

Update: the surveyor's report came back and it's not great. There's significant damp in the basement and some structural concerns. The seller has agreed to reduce the price to £165,000 to account for remedial works.

Oh Ben! Is that good? Is that GOOD? You sound calm about it which worries me

165 reasonable?

Yes. I've run the numbers and accounting for damp treatment, repointing, and a full basement waterproofing system, we're looking at roughly £18,000-£22,000 in works. The price reduction covers that comfortably with contingency.

so you're BUYING a house with active damp. got it. very british of you

wait is this bad or is this like when biscuit ate that stone and we thought he was dying but he just needed a walk

Well that's a relief! So it's SORTED then? That's wonderful news! Very clever negotiating Ben, you've got your father's head for figures x

not my figures. she did it

Right! Everyone gather round at 6pm SHARP for the first official Family Quiz! Ten questions, no phones, no cheating, it's going to be such fun and we all need this right now x

mum it's 2:42am here tomorrow i cannot be doing with a quiz at an ungodly hour

Holly it's evening time! You can just do it in the morning your time, have breakfast quiz, it'll be lovely x

I'm available. Just to confirm — six o'clock this evening, all participants present in the house, ten questions, answers submitted simultaneously to avoid collusion. Noted.

wait if no phones how do we zoom holly in

Josh of course you're in the family now, you're doing the quiz! And Freya clever girl use the laptop, the actual computer, not a phone x

thermostat's knackered

Right! Everyone gather round. I know things feel a bit mad at the moment so I thought we might all do a little quiz together. Nothing too strenuous, just a bit of fun to keep our spirits up! First round is GEOGRAPHY. Are we all ready?

Right, question one! What is the capital of Australia?

Canberra. 1. Confirmed.

sydney??? i thought it was sydney

Oh darling, no. It's Canberra. Holly's probably having a laugh because she's actually there! Are you in Australia now, Hols?

literally been here 18 months mum but yes the capital is canberra not the opera house

You're so welcome Josh! Right, question two. What is the capital of France?

london

Paris. Freya, France is not Britain. Have we not discussed this?

stop

Right then. The PM's just said it on the telly. We're doing lockdown. PROPER lockdown.

I've already been to Tesco but I think I missed something crucial. Did anyone else catch what he said about the shopping?

Dad this isn't the time. Mum, I've set up a spreadsheet tracking key government guidance. I can share it if people want to stay updated in one place rather than fragmenting information across multiple sources.

oh great, so i go to bed in like two hours and wake up to seventeen spreadsheets and a national crisis. cheers for that

I've decided. We're doing the quiz. Every single day. It's important for morale, keeping everyone's spirits up. Starting TONIGHT at 7pm sharp.

mum it will be 4am for me

Oh darling, couldn't you just do it in the morning?

what's the prize

The prize is MENTAL WELLBEING Graham

Why is it absolutely FREEZING in here??? It's like a morgue. Has anyone else's heating gone mental or is it just us

fine now

Graham what do you mean 'fine now' WHERE WERE YOU??? Did you touch the thermostat??? GRAHAM

lmaooo he absolutely touched it

1. Have we established the baseline temperature prior to the alleged adjustment? 2. Suggest photographic evidence of the thermostat display.

graham ur busted mate 💀

I knew it. I KNEW IT. Two degrees Graham??? In March?? x

Everyone ready for 8pm? I've got the saucepan, Graham's grumbling about the noise but he WILL come out. Holly are you getting up at 3am to do it Melbourne time or just sending thoughts and prayers xxx

not coming out

You are coming out we discussed this last week you said you'd give it five minutes

Just to confirm logistics - Diane we're clapping from the front at 8pm sharp, understood? I've checked the street notice and it does say 8pm so wanted to make sure everyone has aligned timing.

Look at everyone! The whole street came out! Graham I HAVE A PHOTO OF YOU OUT THERE

one minute exactly

graham 1 minute biscuit 5 minutes of chaos who really won

That's you though isn't it! At the front clapping! Don't try to say you were checking the boiler xxx

looks like anyone

I think the key takeaway here is that we all participated in a meaningful moment of solidarity with frontline workers, and Graham did technically join us even if his intention was otherwise!

Oh Josh you're so lovely! Right I've already done the first round - geography! Very easy questions, nothing to worry about. Let me paste them now

QUESTION 2: Name the capital of Peru.

Ben that's MY job!

um. is it like. lima? as in the bean? no wait. ummmm. rio??

josh its not your thesis

JOSH ITS JUST A QUIZ

Josh mate you're fine. You got the answer right. That's literally all that happens in a quiz.

many thanks for the patience 💀💀💀

MANY THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE JOSH

All correct. Graham 3/5, Freya 2/5, Holly 2/5, Josh 3/5. Josh wins on the strength of his apologies.

Morning all. Quick update on something. We've had an offer accepted on a property this morning.

wait what. ben. BEN. you're buying a flat?

Aldercroft Road, one bedroom, £164,000. The offer went in yesterday evening and has been accepted as of 09:47 this morning. I am currently in a minor state of shock.

1. Yes near the park. 2. Survey is Tuesday so let's not celebrate until we know there's no damp. 3. Sunday would be lovely, thank you.

damp?

It's a necessary precaution. Standard procedure. No red flags at viewing but the survey will confirm structural integrity.

got photos. looks damp

you TRIED to ring me? it's 3am here. that's not trying. that's just my whole life. mum you know i'm always the last to know because of this stupid timezone

Right. Survey's in.

Not a leak. Damp. Bathroom walls, south-facing.

Treatment costs between 4-8k. Possibly more if it's gone into the plaster beneath.

Subsidence concerns flagged near the bay window. Specifically the surveyor has recommended a structural engineer's report.

There's also a smell in the airing cupboard. The surveyor notes: 'source unidentified'.

THE DAMP HAS A SMELL. THE DAMP HAS EVOLVED

The surveyor declined to elaborate on the smell. He's a professional and he declined to elaborate.

I'll listen to Nana's voice note later. Anyway Ben, you could negotiate the price down surely? Buyers do that. You could factor in the damp cost.

it means don't let a small thing become a HUGE thing like when biscuit ate the hose last year and we ended up at the emergency vet at midnight

Thermostat: 22. War score 12-2

Right. Surveyor number two has confirmed it. The damp is significant. I've sent the report to the vendors' solicitors with a renegotiation request.

Asking for £6,000 off. It's a reasonable figure based on remedial costs.

wait so you're actually buying the damp house? i thought you'd pull out

The property itself is sound. The damp is treatable. If we can negotiate properly, it's still the right purchase.

6k. decent

Just heard from Ben's solicitor - THEY'VE ACCEPTED!! They've knocked the full £6,000 off!! Ben you absolute LEGEND!!! I'm so proud of you!! Are you pleased?? x x x

the damp situation has been resolved by sheer force of excel spreadsheet and corporate language. truly inspirational

Merry Christmas everyone!! Holly darling are you there? It's still morning for us but I know it's evening for you xx

Holly! Good to see you. We're setting up the video call on the big screen so you can see everyone properly. Josh is just—

josh mate you're literally marrying into this you don't have to be this grateful

right then you lot. scoreboard time

Graham 12 Boiler 0. saved a fortune this year

Dad's been systematically lowering the heating all year without Mum's knowledge and has apparently been keeping track. I do not condone this.

I HAVE NOTICED GRAHAM. I just haven't said anything because it's Christmas. xx

Josh. Stop.

Josh. The quiz is a family trauma.

ok well it's nearly midnight here so i'm gonna head off in a bit but this has been absolutely worth staying up for just to hear about dad's thermostat vendetta

We have completed. Keys collected. Moving in properly tomorrow.

OH BEN!!! This is HUGE! When are you bringing Josh round to see it properly? I want to hear all about it - the survey said those few issues were minor, didn't it? Let me know when you want us to visit xxxx

hello damp old friend

oh my god NO. is that the ceiling

BEN!!! THAT IS NOT MINOR!! YOU NEED TO RING SOMEONE TODAY

1) I am aware 2) The survey flagged potential water ingress - quoted as 'attention required but not urgent' 3) I have already rung the surveyor for recommendations 4) Josh and I are monitoring the situation 5) Will escalate if necessary

I am coming round with a dehumidifier. Do NOT tell me I'm overreacting because I am not. This is what mothers DO xxxx

Right then, has anyone else noticed it's absolutely ARCTIC downstairs? I've had the heating on all day and the sitting room is like a freezer

oh my god is this still happening. it's literally 2pm thursday where i am and i'm watching you lot fight about heating in real time like it's 1987

got a scoreboard Graham 14 Boiler 6

I'm sorry, could you clarify the scoring methodology? By what criteria are these points awarded? I want to ensure I understand the system before commenting further.

every time i turn it down = 1 point every time it goes back up on its own = 1 boiler point i've been keeping score since christmas

SINCE CHRISTMAS?? Graham that's not a scoreboard that's a VENDETTA. And half of those don't count, I didn't "turn it up" on Wednesday the 14th, I merely adjusted it to a sensible temperature so we didn't all die of hypothermia

graham really said 'keep your enemies closer' but with a boiler 💀

so i'm extending my visa

staying another year. maybe more

OH HOLLY! When did you decide this? Are you happy? You sound happy but I can never tell through text. This is wonderful news but also I'll miss you terribly xx

so the timezone bit never ends then

nope

yes ben i have considered implications. i have a job. it's fine

josh nobody asked u to thank her for telling us shes leaving lmao

Right, I've added Josh to the group. He's going to regret this but here we are.

JOSH!! Welcome welcome welcome!! 💕 So lovely to have you here!! x

What? It's adorable! Found it in a box at your dad's office, you must have been what, three? 💕x

LMAO she's got baby pics of josh before ben's even mentioned what he does for work

Many thanks for the warm welcome, Diane! Really lovely to finally be in the group. Looking forward to getting to know everyone better! 😊

josh said many thanks lol already fits right in

I'm not sure I understand the joke?

Josh, here's some useful context: 1) Don't ask for clarification on jokes. 2) The thermostat is a serious matter. 3) You will be asked about the quiz. 4) Pat only communicates via voice note that nobody listens to.

Good morning! I hope everyone is well! I'm currently working in water and waste management infrastructure, very exciting developments in the sector!

drains then

I—well, it's somewhat more complex than that! But I suppose in layman's terms, yes, water and waste systems! Many thanks for your interest!

drains 1 - josh 0

Hi everyone! Just wanted to say I've been reading back through the chat history and I think it's wonderful how close you all are! Many thanks for including me!

Oh! Yes, I was going through some of the older messages to get to know the family better! I found the lockdown quiz from March 2020 and it was quite entertaining! The geography round in particular was a real test!

JOSH

Josh. We need to talk about this. Point 1: You cannot like the geography quiz. Point 2: Freya has been complaining about that quiz for nearly eighteen months. Point 3: You have now reactivated a wound.

Oh goodness, I'm terribly sorry! I didn't realise! I was simply trying to engage with the group's history! Many thanks for letting me know!

Oh Josh that's very sweet of you! Don't worry about it. Though Ben's right, we should probably not talk about the 2020 geography round if we can help it. Poor Freya! Anyway, how lovely that you're reading back! xx

he's in for it now

biscuit just ATE a sock. like a full sock off the washing line

1) How did she even reach the washing line 2) Don't Biscuit this into something massive, she eats weird stuff all the time and she's fine

call the vet

Dad don't encourage her. Freya, socks come out the other end, she'll be absolutely fine, I've looked into this

ok im calling. ben your CORPORATE PHRASING doesnt comfort me rn

£340. THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY POUNDS. to tell me she needs to come back in 48 hours if shes not... digested it

so did YOU which makes this WORSE somehow

Right. Survey results are in. I need to talk through this methodically because there are several issues.

THE DAMP

how bad

Not the deposit specifically but yes, significant remedial work required. Estimated cost to be determined pending specialist inspection.

noooo bens flat is now damp era 😭😭😭 rip the dream home

What about the smell? You haven't said what the smell IS. Is it a BAD smell x

its bodies ben. its 100% bodies. biscuit once got stuck behind the boiler and smelled like that

don't biscuit this ben. ring the actual professional. do NOT try the airing cupboard yourself

Thanks Dad, and thanks Mum. I've actually already scheduled an independent surveyor for Thursday. Wanted to get a second opinion before we proceed with any structural decisions. Should have the report by end of week.

Bloody hell it's arctic in here

Graham.

Don't 'what' me, the thermostat. Why is it on 19?

was cold earlier

oh my god its literally warm outside tho??? its like 16 degrees out there dad

Hi everyone. Just to confirm for Friday — Josh and I are definitely still coming over, unless anything's changed? We'd planned to help with the garden wall, so if that's still on the agenda I can bring the correct tools. Also: Dad, the heating does have a thermostat for a reason.

Right that's it. Making a scoreboard. GRAHAM 1 BOILER 0. This is happening now. Not having it xxx

Right then! Who's ready for THE QUIZ NOBODY ASKED FOR??? 🎄 Only joking (sort of) but I thought it would be fun on Christmas Eve, bit of nostalgia, we can all do it together even if you're in different time zones xxxxx

oh god no. not again. did you keep them all. please tell me you didn't keep them all

NO. that question was WRONG and everyone knows it

What is the capital of Kazakhstan?

you put ASTANA but it's NURZULTAEV NO WAIT. but you CHANGED IT BACK

it's Nur-Sultan

In the interest of historical accuracy, Astana was the official name from 1998 to 2019, after which it reverted to Nur-Sultan (2019-2022). So depending on when the quiz was set, either answer could be considered correct.

see. FLAWED

chest pains bit sharp might be nothing

Dad? Are you okay? Should you call 111?

GRAHAM?? Answer me right now. What do you mean chest pains???

no ambulance bit tight across chest now

That's it. I'm coming up. M25 is manageable at this time. ETA 16:45.

Graham's at A&E they think it might be his heart

I'm fine

indigestion

It's not funny Freya, we were very worried. The doctor thinks it was the three-bean chilli from last night, it was quite heavy I suppose

is there any left

Good morning everyone! Made a lovely chilli last night for dinner, very proud of it actually, took me ages to get the spices just right xx

mum that chilli was refusing to simmer properly. literally sat there being stubborn as anything

it was such a graham situation

I appreciate the sentiment but I believe that phrase has very specific historical context relating to the thermostat situation specifically. Thermostat situations are Graham situations. Kitchen equipment malfunctions are separate. Just flagging.

no its everything now. your stubbornness is a graham situation. the cat being difficult about its food is a graham situation

that chilli took 47 minutes. i timed it

We've got some news. Josh and I are engaged.

We're really happy and would love to celebrate with you all soon.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!! THIS IS WONDERFUL NEWS

Brilliant. When's the do?

Right! I'm going to need some key information. Have you thought about a date? Summer? Autumn? I can start a spreadsheet tonight.

We've been discussing late August. We'd like to keep it relatively small, close family and about 40 friends, nothing too formal.

Holly we're actually doing this. August 27th. And it's not a damp situation before anyone asks.

Thank you all so much for the warm welcomes! Freya, perhaps we can keep Biscuit away from the proceedings! Many thanks!

right so I've done it

he said yes

WAIT WHAT

yes. arthurs seat. about an hour ago

why am i finding out before mum this is the best day of my life

What is happening??? BEN??

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

i was asleep and you've all blown up my phone at 3am thanks for that, but CONGRATULATIONS??? this better be actually happening or so help me

is this one actually happening or is it a ben-and-josh date

It is happening. We're looking at next year. Early autumn ideally.

Right, I've got him on the line now - he wants to say something to all of you. Putting him through to dictate

Tell them I'm fine and the hose won. Don't Biscuit this.

DONT BISCUIT THIS is going to haunt us forever and i love him for it

absolute legend ✨✨✨ the hose won i'm CRYING

Right. We need to talk. Just got off the phone with Netherwood Barn. They've double-booked September. We're moved to March 2023.

I've checked our contract. They're covering the difference in costs. We have options on three dates. Running through them with Josh now.

Oh BEN no, September was perfect! When in March? We need to— wait, is this one actually happening or is it a Ben-and-Josh date

LMAOOO diane this is the first time we've used it i'm screaming

Very funny. The options are 28th, 12th, or 19th March. All Saturdays. Netherwood has availability on all three.

19th. Then done.

Okay! 19th March it is. I'll email the caterers and the florist. Oh, and the photographer. And the string quartet— Ben is the string quartet still happening? I can't remember. Ben. BEN. xxx

Right! Everyone here? Quiz starts in TEN MINUTES. I've made it extra difficult this year because apparently I'm a 'sadist' — direct quote from Freya, 2020

GRAHAM it hasn't started yet let me do the introduction— actually you know what fine. Question One: In what year was the Eiffel Tower completed?

1889

It's 1889 and Ben that's the kind of energy I do NOT need on Christmas Eve

Freya given previous incidents this might constitute a 'Biscuit situation'. Advise monitoring and contacting emergency vet if symptoms present. Has she shown any signs of distress?

FINAL SCORES: Graham 9, Ben 7, Holly 6, Josh 5, Freya 3. Graham has WON. GRAHAM. Has actually WON.

i won. get over it

This is officially being recorded. Graham 1 Quiz 21. It's going on the scoreboard with the thermostat. I'm printing this out.

literally nobody cares about the quiz but sure go off graham you have won the annual event we all secretly hate

Just had the most LOVELY call from Netherwood about the napkins and — oh Ben, have you got your phone on you? Call me when you see this x

Nothing's wrong! Well. They say the boiler's playing up again. AGAIN. They've got someone coming but they're not sure if they can promise the heating will be fully operational by June and they wanted to discuss our 'contingency options'

Right. Okay. Let me unpack this: 1) June is four months away 2) They have professional engineers 3) This is almost certainly fine. I will ring them tomorrow and get specifics but I genuinely don't think we need to worry yet.

Actually no. I've just been thinking about this and I'm not doing this again. The venue has had three issues in eighteen months. I've spent the last seven months managing other people's problems with our wedding. I'm booking the register office as backup tomorrow. Non-negotiable.

oh my GOD he snapped

Already decided. This is happening.

bestie just got damp energy

Family - I need to tell you all something. Dad and I have had the results back from the hospital. It's serious, but we're going to look after him and love him and that's what matters right now. Not going into details unless anyone wants them, but I wanted you to hear it from me. Lots of love x

oh mum. i'm so sorry. that's shit

bit silly getting upset before we know anything

Dad with respect we absolutely know something. Mum - thank you for telling us. What do you need from us right now? I can look into support services, second opinions, whatever you require.

oh dad that's not helping rn 💔 mum we're here. biscuit just came and sat on my lap like she knows something's wrong. what can we do

Diane and Graham, please know that we are here for whatever you need! Many thanks for letting us know. Ben and I will help with anything at all!

Let's just be together. No pressure though. Love you all so much x

He's gone. He wasn't in pain. We were all there for him.

Right

oh mum

I'm so sorry. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to help with arrangements or anything else in the coming days. Thinking of you all.

oh no xxx

Our deepest condolences to you and your family! If there is anything at all that we can assist with, please do not hesitate to reach out!

Dad would've hated all this fussing

Morning everyone. Just to confirm we're all meeting at the church by 10:15? I've got the flowers in the car already, they look lovely. White lilies like Ted would have wanted. Let me know if anyone needs a lift x

I meant the chrysanthemums are in the car, the lilies are being delivered. Sorry, bit all over the place this morning x

sorry everyone this is still the middle of the night for me but i'm awake and i'm thinking of you all. mum you're going to be amazing today. ted would be so proud x

guys ted would've LOVED that this is happening on wedding day #1 like biscuit finally gets a break from the barn 😭 rip granddad

Freya! That's actually rather sweet, that is. He did always say he wanted a good party. And yes the barn is all ours for the picnic afterwards, nobody can complain x

barn was perfect. genuinely perfect. and ted's stories??? grandma telling the one about the boat?? i actually cried laughing. i think he would've been happy today x

He absolutely would have been, love. It was a beautiful day. Really beautiful. Thank you all for being there. I'm going to sit down with a cup of tea now. x

oh my god oh my god

biscuit ate the entire box of paracetamol

Right. Have you called the vet? You need to call them immediately. This is serious. Do not wait.

13 paracetamol

its a Biscuit situation

dont biscuit this dad thats literally the saying

The saying is 'don't Biscuit this' meaning don't let a small problem escalate into an emergency. Which we are currently experiencing. Father, do not use it backwards.

UPDATE: vet says hes fine??? just ate a whole tea towel apparently which is mental

Told you he'd be fine.

Relieved to hear this. Before we all spiral again — key learnings from today: 1) Freya, keep the tea towels in a cupboard Biscuit can't access. 2) This is fine as a 24-hour monitoring situation. 3) Nobody panic tomorrow if there's an update. We don't Biscuit this.

oh. fair. but also he ATE A TEA TOWEL so

uh actually mum i have news about that

moving back. for real this time. october

HOLLY!!!! x x x

omg wait fr?? like actually coming back??? biscuit's gonna lose her mind she misses you so much (i do too but shes louder about it 😭)

yes dad it's final. ben i have a place sorted, moving in early oct. josh thanks! really kind. and frey biscuit ate a whole packet of butter last week so she's clearly fine without me

October! That's only two months away! We need to plan something. A welcome home dinner? Or perhaps a small gathering? Oh and Holly darling, do you need kitchen things for the flat? I have a very good steamer we bought ages ago. It's only been used twice. It's gathering dust. You know what that's like. x

mum i do not need a steamer. i have learned how to function as an adult. but sure. october dinner. though obviously with my timezone situation we might need to schedule around my sleep

joke. i'm kidding. finally.

Holly! You're not joking are you? Oh you ARE. Good. Because I was about to suggest 5am. Only joking back! x

Right! For the welcome home dinner in October, shall we plan it for the 14th? Or perhaps the 21st? Let me know what works and I'll start thinking about the menu. I'm thinking something warm. October weather, you know. x

21st is good. means i can actually unpack first. that's considerate of you ben

landed. never thought i'd be so happy to see grey sky and expensive coffee

HOLLY!! Welcome home darling!! How was the flight? Are you eating enough? x

thermostat's on 21

dad that's a THREAT

Welcome back! Please note: 1) Mum has been meal planning since Tuesday 2) Dad has indeed been adjusting the temperature 3) Freya's dog has eaten a slipper. Suggest you arrive prepared.

can't believe i've been back five minutes and dad's already in his thermostat era

been an era since 2020

but also josh i'm IN A DIFFERENT TIMEZONE still so technically my complaints are valid

TECHNICALLY my body is still in 2020 melbourne time so the grief is real and you all have to accept this

Right everyone, I know what you're thinking but hear me out

THE QUIZ NOBODY ASKED FOR is making a FESTIVE RETURN

oh my god mum it's 9am tomorrow here i can't believe you've done this

nope nope nope NOT doing this again. still scarred from the peru thing. that was 2020 diane. LET IT GO

Freya darling Peru is in South America and you said it was in Africa, that was three years ago, water under the bridge!

current score: Dad 1 Peru 0

voice message (4:31)

Pat, darling, can you hear us? Are you there? We can see you sent a voice note

nobody's listened to it yet mum it's literally been five minutes

i'll listen to nana's voice note later 😭😭😭

Right then! Question One: What is the capital of Estonia?

yay tallinn gang we're winning

Right! So I've been thinking about the napkins. The cream ones are nice but they show marks, whereas the ivory ones photograph better but feel a bit stiff? I've attached photos. Also someone needs to confirm the vegetarian numbers by TUESDAY because the caterer rang me at half eight this morning and I was still in my dressing gown which was mortifying.

mate why are we deciding napkin colour at 8am melbourne time is that really something that needs to be happening right now

Hi Diane, I've reviewed the vegetarian count with Josh and we're looking at: 1. Ben (pescatarian-lite as discussed) 2. Josh (full vegetarian) 3. Mum's friend Carol 4. Possibly Freya if she remembers. So between 3-4, best estimate 4 to be safe. Happy to send confirmation by Wednesday morning.

Oh Ben you absolute star! That's so helpful. And tell Josh not to worry about being pescatarian-lite, he can just have the vegetarian main. I'm doing a beautiful baked tomato thing that literally everyone eats, even your father will eat it and you know how he is about vegetables unless they're roasted potatoes.

josh mate you can just say yes to food

voice message (1:23)

I'll listen to Nana's voice note later.

i'll listen to nana's voice note later

i'll listen to nana's voice note later 💀

Right well apparently it's about her hat. She's worried the hat is too much for a wedding. The hat is fine. The hat is beautiful. But now I have to reassure her about the hat.

Right, moving on to seating. I've created a spreadsheet (attached) with the following logic: 1. Family core at table 1. 2. Mum's friends and their partners at table 2. 3. Dad's mates at table 3. 4. Mixed guests at table 4. Table 5 is the children's table but Freya will refuse to sit there. Happy to adjust based on feedback.

wait is biscuit invited

Freya, Biscuit is absolutely invited. He's wearing a little waistcoat. Now, napkins. Has everyone looked at the photos? Cream or ivory? I need to know by EOD because the supplier is —

Ivory. Clean lines, professional, photographs well. My vote is ivory.

Right! Everyone's arriving in half an hour, table is laid out beautifully, I've done the coleslaw three times because I wasn't happy with the first two batches. Graham's somewhere fiddling with the thermostat as usual 😂

mum please tell me you didn't make three coleslaws

wasp nest under the eaves

WHAT

THE GAZEBO

GRAHAM IT'S NOT THE DAMP — THE GAZEBO HAS COLLAPSED

biscuit was chasing a wasp and it RAN UNDER THE LEG and the whole thing just FOLDED like a card table

Oh my goodness! Is everyone alright?! Many thanks for notifying us — shall I drive over immediately to assist?!

nobody hurt. food's fine. gazebo's done for

I did, yes! I'm about seven minutes away. Just wanted to help!

We'll tell everyone it was SUPPOSED to collapse for ambiance

it's a Graham situation

photo

That's your father. That's genuinely what he looks like now. It's in his HAIR.

THE DAMP IS BACK 😭😭 FULL EVENT DAMP

HELLO EVERYONE IM JUST RINGING TO SAY DID YOU ALL GET MY VOICE NOTE ABOUT THE PARTY

which party

this is me choosing not to ask what time it is in perth right now

I SAID IN THE VOICE NOTE IT WAS THE 16TH AND DID EVERYONE WANT SAUSAGE ROLLS

josh you haven't listened to it either you absolute legend

Mum I need to tell you something. And I'm very sorry. Nobody actually listens to the voice notes when they come through. We say we will and then... we don't. I'm sorry.

been married 40 years. first time she's told the truth

NANA PAT IM SORRY THIS IS HILARIOUS

Hi everyone, we have news. Josh and I have confirmed our wedding date: Saturday 14th June 2025. Venue is Fenn Hall near Ludlow, which we viewed last month and absolutely loved. Full details attached for your calendars. We've now put down the deposit so this is genuinely happening.

is this one actually happening or is it a ben-and-josh date

june? june?? thats 3am here mate

OH BEN THIS IS WONDERFUL!! Fenn Hall sounds absolutely lovely, I looked it up and they do the most beautiful catering!! Have you spoken to them about dietary requirements yet? I'm so excited I could burst. Lots of kisses xxx

Nice. Ludlow's good. That's what, two hours?

Thanks all. To clarify a few points: 1) Yes, this is definitely happening, 2) Yes, dietary requirements will be thoroughly managed, 3) Ludlow is approximately two hours twenty from here, 4) Holly, I'll send you the details in Australian Eastern time as well, 5) We will be circulating a guest list by end of October.

Thermostat's playing up. Might miss the wedding

Graham don't be daft, you're not missing this! I already know what I'm wearing, have you thought about what you'd like to wear? There's a lovely menswear shop in town, shall we go together? I can make it a day out, we could get lunch after. Let me know xxx

graham 14 boiler 6 he says

Hi everyone! The venue has sent over the dress code guidance for the big day. I've attached it below for your reference. Many thanks all!

MANY THANKS ALL 😭😭😭

Oh lovely! I'm so glad they've been clear about it. I do hate it when places are vague. Are we thinking that's quite formal then? I have that navy dress from M&S but I'm not sure if it's black tie enough. What do you all think? xx

It's black tie. Wear black.

The navy is perfectly acceptable! Many thanks for asking. I'm sure you'll look wonderful!

many thanks josh for being helpful

Many thanks Diane for the generous offer! That's very kind of you!

For clarity: is this one actually happening or is it a Ben-and-Josh date?

It's definitely happening! Many thanks for confirming though!

1. Will require transport (myself and Josh) 2. Venue is 45 mins from my place 3. Cheers Diane

biscuit is coming too right. to the venue. i'm bringing him

Freya, no. The dog is not coming.

Right! Christmas Eve tradition time. I've prepared something special for us all to do together this evening

oh absolutely not

DIANE NO

I'd be absolutely delighted to participate! Many thanks for organising!

See!! Josh is ENTHUSIASTIC. The rest of you used to enjoy it. Well. You tolerated it. Right, first category: Geography

the andorra question was FOUR YEARS AGO mum

Oh don't be silly, that was ages ago! I've got brand new questions now. Question one: What is the capital of Portugal?

It was just asking you to name a landlocked country in Europe, Freya, very straightforward. You said 'um... Switzerland?' and I pointed out Switzerland is landlocked but—

You were asked to name A landlocked country. Switzerland is, indeed, landlocked. However, the question was specifically about the context of Andorra, and you selected a different country entirely, which was the issue

For what it's worth, Switzerland is a perfectly valid answer to that question! Many thanks for the clarification, Ben!

Right, so the venue just called. Fenn Hall has identified a damp issue in the roof beam above the main hall. They're saying it needs investigation before they can confirm the June date is safe.

damp?

it's literally 5am here but somehow i KNEW something would happen. you've got 'damp' energy radiating through the chat

NOOOO the damp is back!!! i thought we were past the damp era??? 😭😭

Not panicking yet. Have outlined three options: 1) They investigate and fix within two weeks (unlikely), 2) We move to their October dates, 3) We find a new venue entirely. Josh and I are going to visit tomorrow to assess.

don't damp this ben 😭 just saying like... this is your final boss damp

it's a Graham situation

Ben and I will gather all the information tomorrow and provide a comprehensive update! Many thanks for your patience and support!

Graham 44 Boiler 20

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE it is currently 11:49am here which means i get to experience this twice somehow

biscuit ate a chocolate coin this morning and i had to call the vet and she's fine but dad didn't even say happy valentine's day back to mum he just posted HIS SCORE

1. Biscuit eating chocolate is not ideal 2. Mum, did the vet charge a callout fee or was it routine? 3. Dad has been updating the scoreboard continuously since this morning. Graham 44 is a significant achievement and we should probably acknowledge it.

vet was fine. no charge. freya panicked

Good morning! Hope everyone slept well. I've made a lemon drizzle, there's plenty in the freezer if anyone wants some x

don't biscuit this

biscuit ate the samples

Freya. Are you joking?

Oh dear! Is the dog alright? Should we be concerned about the ink?

Has anyone ACTUALLY rung the vet? Biscuit might need to be checked! This is rather serious, Freya darling x

she seems ok?? just very happy about cardstock

quite a situation

Right then! Josh's mum Patricia is joining us briefly to sort the cake tasting — she's only here for the logistics chat so everyone PLEASE be on best behaviour, it's her first time in the group xx

oh god she's going to see the thermostat scoreboard

lmaooo she's gonna think we're insane. also hi patricia!! welcome to the chaos 🍰🎉

Thank you all for including mother! Many thanks for the welcome, Freya! Patricia will be here shortly to discuss the venue's cake selection. Looking forward to collaborating!

it's not a system. it's a war

what ben means is dad keeps turning the heating down and grandpa is keeping score lol

Mother, perhaps we should focus on the cake specifications for now! The heating discussion can be explained at a later date. Many thanks!

wait come back 😭

rip patricia. lost to the thermostat. we should warn her properly next time

Oh don't be silly Ben, she seemed fine! I'm sure she'll come round to our ways. These things take time. Now, vanilla cake — anyone want to vote on the filling? xxx

RIGHT. Ben just rang me. The venue have confirmed 20th September is absolutely definitely ON. The marquee repairs finished early and everything is sorted. THANK GOD.

Sorry that was THANK GOD in caps but you know what I mean. Three exclamation marks worth of thanking God.

wait so it's actually happening this time or are we doing another 'postponement arc'

It is genuinely happening. I have received written confirmation from three separate people at the venue. The damp situation has been fully resolved. Josh and I are locked in.

omg finally??? i was literally just thinking about this and biscuit knocked over a full glass of water like she KNEW and was trying to prevent it somehow

Freya don't even joke about that. This is happening. THANK GOD. I have already told Carol next door and she is thrilled. I am making a new spreadsheet tonight. THANK GOD.

mine's done!! and honestly it's pretty good

Freya, we discussed this. You said you were still working on the structural elements. What does that mean exactly?

it means i'm good actually, very good, no notes 💀

ok wait so the thing is. it's maybe 70% josh impressions

I'm sorry, what? Freya, absolutely not. This is the reception, not a roast. We need to—

no no no it goes HARD though like i do the voice and everything and josh's polite bit keeps getting longer each time and it's actually hilarious

I— well, that's very kind! I'm quite excited to hear it actually! Though perhaps we might discuss the balance of content?

josh PLEASE stop being nice about your own humiliation

Right. Well. I think we need to establish some boundaries here. Perhaps if you could send me the document, Freya, I can provide constructive feedback with specific line-by-line notes, numbered for clarity, and we can work through any areas of concern together?

babe it's a speech not the damp, it will be fine

oh she's right though ben you're being very damp about it

right so we might have some news

FREYA???? Is that—

WAIT WHAT. it's literally 6pm here i was not prepared for this

Congratulations! This is wonderful. Assuming this is the news I think it is. Due date mid-March by the scan? We should discuss parental leave policies at some point when you're ready.

Wow! Many congratulations! This is truly brilliant news! When did you find out?

200 DAYS. That's how long we have to wait. I'm putting a countdown on the kitchen calendar. I've already started a Pinterest board for nursery ideas. Soft greens or pale yellows? What are you thinking?

mum its been 5 minutes

Mother, with respect, perhaps Freya and her partner should have some input on timing? This might be information they'd prefer to process privately first. Just a thought.

nah we're chill, tell everyone you want

Many thanks for including us in this special moment! We're so pleased to be kept in the loop! Looking forward to Saturday!

josh mate you don't need to thank them for having a baby

Hi everyone! Quick question – do you have any family naming traditions we should be aware of? Just thinking ahead really!

thermostat was taken already

wait that's actually genius i'm claiming that one first. any baby gets named thermostat. it's mine now.

what if u just called it biscuit. that's the only name that matters anyway

Many thanks for the suggestions! Though I'm not entirely sure Thermostat is registered with the council!

put it on the scoreboard though. graham 15 biscuit 1

dad that's not even the same competition anymore you're just making things up now

Good morning everyone! Big day! I've laid out the iron and the shoe polish is under the sink where I always put it. Remember to check the weather before you leave — it's meant to be lovely but bring a brolly just in case. Kisses x

You're still in the Zoom link! It should go live at 10:45 if you want to watch. I've tested it twice.

biscuit has decided today is the day she eats socks. three socks already. do i take her to the vet now or wait and see if it becomes a biscuit situation

Right, we're heading to Fenn Hall now! Ben you look absolutely handsome. Josh you both do. I'm a bit emotional but in a happy way. Lots of love everyone x

THEY'RE MARRIED!!!! Ben and Josh are married! It was perfect, the flowers were lovely, nobody's makeup ran (well not much), and Fenn Hall looked absolutely beautiful. I'll send photos in a moment. Lots of love x

crying in a melbour— sorry LONDON CAFE now mate. you both looked amazing. also that was actually a good zoom setup props to ben

Morning all. The wedding coordination spreadsheet confirms: 1) All guests accounted for, 2) No disasters during ceremony or reception, 3) Venue staff have confirmed all equipment returned. Excellent execution overall.

venue thermostat was 72. adjusted to 68

GRAHAM

he really did just make it a graham situation on his OWN SON'S wedding day

was too warm

The venue has confirmed the temperature adjustment. In the interests of moving forward, I am providing the following summary of the father-of-the-groom speech: 1) Duration: six words, 2) Content: six words, 3) Audience response: surprised but respectful. Mission accomplished.

oh god oh god oh god

it's happening

contractions r like 5 mins apart mum i think that's the thing

Right. Right. Graham's getting the car. I'm putting shoes on. Have you got your bag? THE BAG FREYA

josh took her she's fine god i need to stop texting

Try to breathe through it. In for four, hold for four, out for four.

We're here. Freya's in with the midwife. Apparently it's all progressing beautifully. I'm in the waiting room with a cup of tea that tastes like hot cardboard but I don't care x

Midwife says we're getting close! Diane's doing so well. She's asked for the gas and air and apparently she told the midwife she 'needed to not think about the state of the flat' which made everyone laugh x

she's pushing now

Still going. Freya's exhausted but determined. The midwife says she's doing everything right. We're just... waiting. Drinking more terrible tea x

We're in the final stages! This is really happening! The midwife says next push or two!! I feel like I might actually cry x x x

SHE'S HERE!!

IRIS MICHELLE! 7 pounds 4 ounces! Born at 3:52pm! Freya's absolutely exhausted but so so happy and baby is perfect and beautiful and oh my goodness we have a granddaughter x x x

Just arrived at St Cuthbert's! So beautiful today. The flowers are GORGEOUS. Ben you look very smart. How is Iris? x

Just about to go in! Holly are you watching on video call?

it's 10:26pm here diane. but yes i'm awakening from my grave to watch baby's first church experience

thermostat at the church

what about it

absolutely freezing. old building innit

Dad please do not turn down a church thermostat that isn't yours

wasn't planning to

might suggest it though

please don't

She was perfect! Not a peep. Such a brave girl. [image omitted]

Many thanks to the vicar! Really excellent service! Appreciated the whole family coming!

voice message (2:47)

the most reliable lie in family history

OH MY GOD IRIS IN THE WHITE DRESS

Nice.

What gorgeous shots! The photographer really captured her personality. I've created an album link here so everyone can download them - I think it's quite straightforward but do give me a ring if you need help accessing it x

she's perfect omg

Photographer did a wonderful job. These are absolutely brilliant. Thank you to Freya for coordinating - really appreciate the effort that goes into these sorts of things!

Many thanks for sharing these! Iris looks absolutely delightful in each one!

Photos great. Thermostat 19 today.

It's September, Graham! x

It's a Graham situation

The thermostat is at 19 degrees in September?

GRAHAM SITUATION BINGO

Has anyone seen the thermostat in the hallway? Graham's been acting very strange about it all afternoon

There's a LOCK on it Graham. A padlock. Did you install a padlock on our thermostat

yes

1. Has this escalation been documented? 2. Should we be concerned about the structural integrity of the heating system itself? 3. Is this a damp situation?

oh my god he actually did it. dad you're unhinged

found the spare key btw

In forty minutes?? How did you— you know what, never mind, I don't want to know

scoreboard update: Graham 41 Boiler 21

I'd like to query point of clarification: are you counting Diane's key discovery as a Boiler win or a Graham loss?

josh mate you cannot say 'many thanks' for a thermostat war update

I've got the spare key in my pocket right now Graham and I'm moving it somewhere you will NEVER find it

Right I'm putting the oven on so if anyone wants dinner we're doing roast veg tonight, Ben is this alright for Josh or does he have preferences? I always forget

thermostat's gone mental

at mine :( had to stop him eating a whole pack of paracetamol from the bathroom bin. don't ask. don't biscuit this

Graham 23 Boiler 6

voice message (3:17)

I think I've done it right this time, everyone can hear me? Right, just wanted to say what a year it's been for all of you, for all of us really, with the baby coming and all that business, and Ben you did very well with that flat in the end didn't you, no more of the damp, and Holly I know you're far away but you're still part of all this, and Freya that dog's a menace but we love him, and Graham you've been keeping warm I hope, and Josh you're doing alright aren't you, and Diane my darling you've held it all together like you always do, so I just wanted to say I'm very proud of all of you. Ring me on the landline when you get a moment would you?

oh fuck now i'm crying at 8 in the morning. nana that was actually lovely

Oh Mum 💕 We love you so much. Will ring you after dinner. Thank you for this x

cheers ma

nana made me emotional too :( love u sm 🖤🖤