Right lads BOGEY MEN is live. Marlfield Common Jan 18 2020. Booking closes FRIDAY. £22 a head. Reply YES or NO

omg yes mate but can i pay on the day tho

NO. Friday Nige. 17:00. That's four days away

Confirmed yes. Just to be clear upfront I'm a 14 handicap so you'll know what you're dealing with. Have attached recent scorecard showing consistent 14-15 range. Happy to send more if anyone has doubts about my level.

In. Though must say Hartleigh's course is significantly better maintained if anyone wants to recce somewhere proper

Yeah go on then. Beats sitting in the house

Yes Ronnie you're in. Nige FRIDAY. Don't ask again

ok ok mate im in for real tho

FRIDAY NIGE. Don't Baz this

That means don't mess it up I made a joke

Confirmed yes. Just to be clear upfront I'm a 14 handicap so you'll know what you're dealing with. Have attached recent scorecard showing consistent 14-15 range. Happy to send more if anyone has doubts about my level.

tee off 8:12 not 8:15 some of us have jobs

Right lads just finished at Marlfield, 82 gross. That is EXACTLY what a 14 handicapper shoots on a good day. Before anyone says anything I know what my handicap is, I've got the spreadsheet going back three years, every single round, and the data shows clear as day that I'm a 14. Nobody can argue with actual data.

Did you though?

Because I've got a screenshot from October. 79 gross, SSS 71. That's a 8-under at a easier course. So either you're a single digit or that 82 means nothing.

That was a FLUKE round mate, completely unrepresentative. The conditions were perfect, the course was playing short, and I was having one of those days where everything clicked. You can't base an entire handicap assessment on one anomalous round.

COLIN YOU'RE A 9. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS. STOP SENDING SCORECARDS. NIGE BOOK NEXT MONTH BY MONDAY

Mate your handicap is whatever keeps you buying rounds

Look at the pattern over time. March through June I was consistently in the 82-86 range. Summer dip is normal, everyone has it. But since November I've been trending down, yesterday's 82 is part of that trajectory. It's not a fluke, it's a genuine improvement.

TUESDAY WORKS. COLIN YOU SHOT 82 LIKE A 9. NOW STOP. NIGE WHERE'S THE BOOKING

At Hartleigh we had a bloke who got 82 once. They gave him a fruit basket.

Divorce papers came through. Anyone fancy the Crown Tuesday?

Right lads need to know asap who can do Saturday. Closing rumours everywhere

Hartleigh's staying open definitely. They sent out guidance yesterday. Absolute state of other clubs tbh

Can't do Saturday. Bit mad at home rn

Sorry to hear that mate. We playing or not?

I could do Saturday provided the course confirms they're open. Do we have confirmation? I don't want to get caught out. Last time we got caught out was the Airport Incident and nobody wants a repeat of that scenario

Claire's moved out

Got the good telly though

Just popped down to Hartleigh for essential greenkeeping maintenance, member privilege innit

APRIL FOOLS mate? It's 6pm not 1pm

Not playing, genius. Greenkeeping. Essential work. Hartleigh's different

different as in made up you mean

IT'S NOT. Ferg's having a laugh. Nobody gets greenkeeping visits. DEADLINE FOR NEXT ROUND: send availability by Friday

Suit yourselves, I'll be trimming the rough at Hartleigh while you lot stare at your gardens

Right lads. Marlfield 10:30 TODAY. First round back. I've booked it. Don't mess this up.

I'll be there at 10:30. Also I'm playing off 14 so don't expect miracles. My official handicap certificate says 14. I have screenshotted it many times.

Just finished the round. 79. SEVENTY NINE. That is absolutely a 14 handicap score. Cannot stress this enough. Attaching my scorecard now for records. 79 is proof positive I am exactly where I should be handicap-wise.

You're a 9

Look at the scorecard. LOOK AT IT. Two 6s, three 5s, one 4. Net score of 79. This is textbook 14 golfer performance. I don't appreciate the insinuation.

My hole in one would've been lower obviously

voice message (0:40)

Hole in one

WHERE

Seven

WITNESSES

Was playing alone I presume? That's... interesting. My handicap assessor requires at least one independent marker.

I'm in. Assuming the divorce lawyers let me out.

First one back is tomorrow 10am sharp. I mean it. Last one arriving pays for the coffee. 10AM SHARP

Just finished a round and shot 81. That's four under my handicap which proves I'm playing as a legitimate 14. I'll send you all the card in a minute

mate you're a 9

March 2019 you shot 88 as a 9. I have the screenshot. SCREENSHOT.

That was nearly eighteen months ago, my swing was completely different then. I've had lessons since, I've worked extensively on my short game, that card is not representative of my current level

Settle it tomorrow. You're playing as a 9. If you shoot under 79 I'll believe you. Otherwise you're staying a 9 FOREVER.

I can do the 15th. Also I need to settle something once and for all. I am a 14 handicap. I have EVIDENCE. See attached scorecards from June and May showing consistent play at that level. The allegation that I'm a 9 is frankly slanderous and I won't have it anymore.

COLIN. You're a 9. Stop it. Everyone knows. We've all watched you play.

If we were at Hartleigh the handicap committee would've settled this in about five minutes and a glass of something nice

me and karen having a bit of a time of it tbh

RIGHT WELL LETS GET YOU OUT FOR A ROUND THEN. THURSDAY WEEK. YOU ME COLIN FERG. CONFIRM BY TOMORROW OR IM BOOKING WITHOUT YOU

Could be worse, could be divorced at Hartleigh. They've got a whole protocol for it now.

Blimey Doug, that's rough. Look I know we've had our differences about the handicap business but I'm properly sorry to hear that mate. You know what though, golf is exactly what you need right now. Gets you out of your head. I'll definitely be up for Thursday week, just need to check my diary but pretty sure I'm clear. Want to make sure we get a decent time too, not some ridiculous early slot.

voice message (1:23)

cant make thursday

NIGE YOUVE HAD TWO WEEKS. THURSDAY OR YOURE OUT OF THE STAKE

sorry mate im abroad til the 6th

FINE. FRIDAY THEN. COLIN DOUG FERG RONNIE. COLIN YOU CONFIRM YOU CAN DO FRIDAY NIGHT NOT SOME NONSENSE ABOUT YOUR DIARY

might need to move my hole-in-one ceremony

RIGHT. September fixture. Closing entries NOON TODAY. No exceptions. Tell me who's playing or you're OUT.

sorry mate will sort it this morning just finishing up some stuff

sorry just been mad busy can you give me til like 2pm just need to confirm with colin about some stuff

NOON. That was the deadline. You've just Baz'd it.

Nige. If you miss this I'm implementing the Nige Clause. You do NOT organise anything ever again. Decide now.

im 5 for september just need ronnie to confirm

voice message (0:47)

Did you get a witness? Just asking because obviously significant claims require verification and I've been keeping detailed records of all my rounds this season which I'm happy to share as a template for proper documentation going forward

WHICH HOLE

6th

Because if you look at the USGA handicap standards for verification purposes I can actually send you the form, I've already got it open because I was just checking my own scoring against the system and honestly the level of detail required is quite extensive

Did it go in though

Yes

RIGHT lads Portugal 2021. Vilamoura. Golf every day sun every day. Who's IN

ooh yes mate thats amazing im definitely well im probably in

I'm interested in principle but want to see what the handicap structure is for the tournament format you're presumably planning? I'll need to know that before committing because obviously at a 14 I have different requirements than some of you and I have the screenshots to prove

Colin nobody cares DETAILS LATER. Ferg in or out

Vilamoura's fine. Beats a weekend indoors anyway

oh no thats mental innit

well at least i won't have to go anywhere now. got the divorce papers through anyway so this is fine

absolute corker of a christmas jumper arrived yesterday though, got a sausage dog in a santa hat on it, cheers for the advice

ENOUGH. We don't have time for this. Need final count for Faro by TONIGHT

Just to be clear on the booking - are we going Feb 20-27 or 27-March 5? Because I have conflicting information and I've screenshotted my availability calendar which shows I'm free Feb 20-27 pending my handicap committee meeting on the 24th which shouldn't actually impact availability but it's worth noting just in case

COLIN NOBODY CARES. NIGE THIS IS WHY I SET DEADLINES

He did book Faro before didn't he. That's the one where he nearly

DIFFERENT FARO. Nearly booked the flights to the WRONG ONE. Nearly Baz'd it

Christ. Did you actually though

ALMOST. Email caught it. You're welcome. FINAL COUNT NEEDED NOW

RIGHT. Portugal March 29-31. Vilamoura. £180 deposit EACH. Closing this down March 15th FINAL DEADLINE.

I've been looking at the accommodation and I'm actually concerned about the course setup there. I've researched extensively and the handicap adjustment isn't standard across Portuguese clubs like it would be at home, which obviously affects my scoring baseline. What's the course rating on the main layout? I need to know if my 14 will even—

oh god im gonna need to see the actual booking details first can we get those

Hartleigh's got three Portuguese courses on the reciprocal list. They're proper courses. Not sure Vilamoura even makes the cut

YES. 4 of us. March 15th or you're out. Send me the £180.

FIRM FOUR. Don't Baz it, Nige.

Just pay the money, Col.

The suspense is killing me

baz come on mate just the details

MORNING. You had a DEADLINE Nige. TOLD you it was tomorrow. Bank details are in the pinned message. READ IT. Payment due 5pm or we're DON'T BAZ THIS.

baz mate you still up

Nige you've had three weeks. THREE WEEKS. I even sent you the reminder email.

Nige if you balls this up I'm blaming you for the next 6 months minimum

The terms were clearly stated. Nobody disputes the deadline. You're a grown man with a calendar on your phone.

yeah yeah sorry baz just send the details when you get a min

PORTUGAL BALANCE DUE FRIDAY 21ST. THAT IS YOUR DEADLINE. NOT NEGOTIABLE.

I've got the confirmation email from the hotel if anyone needs it. Also the GR handbook specifically mentions handicap verification is due by May 20th, not the 18th like some people were saying

whats the deadline again just so i have it written down

NIGE. FRIDAY 21ST. WRITTEN DOWN NOW?

yeah got it cheers

RIGHT LISTEN UP. REAL DEADLINE IS WEDNESDAY 19TH. I'M TELLING YOU NOW BEFORE NIGE FORGETS.

YES. SO NIGE HAS A BUFFER.

Been packed since Monday mate. Got my clubs cleaned, grips checked, even brought a spare 7 iron in case the hire clubs are substandard. Screenshot attached showing my luggage weight within permitted limits

Yeah yeah all done. Even remembered to pack my dignity for once

yeah ill pack tonight no worries mate loads of time

got em already checked in and ready

ok look im checking now just realized i didnt actually confirm with the airline

This is precisely why I always maintain a comprehensive pre-trip spreadsheet. I've screenshotted my entire itinerary including meal times. I am prepared to the highest standard. My handicap of 14 is clearly reflected in my organisational skills as well

Right lads. Portugal money. FRIDAY. No excuses.

I've already transferred. Transferred it last week actually, wanted to get ahead of things and I took a screenshot of the confirmation which I can send if anyone needs proof of payment. I'm quite organised with these things usually.

Mate you're not going

What? Yes I am

You're going to Majorca with your brother

Oh right yes. But I paid already so

sorry baz im between jobs atm ill sort it by friday def

FRIDAY Nige. Don't Baz it.

Right lads flight boards in 90 mins. WHERE ARE YOU

just leaving the house mate sorry running a bit late

I've been in departures for 45 minutes already. I took the advice about arriving early seriously given the stakes of this trip. My usual Sunday round time has been 93 in the last three weeks so I'm on excellent form.

NIGE YOU SAID 9AM. Gate closes 10:45 DO NOT BE LATE

im in the uber now itll be fine

DELAY. TWO HOURS. GATES NOW 12:45. At least you've got time for coffee now Nige

I've already purchased a coffee. It cost £5.20. This is roughly equivalent to the profit margin on my usual 18 holes. I'm documenting this expenditure as completely unnecessary because I ARRIVED EARLY AS INSTRUCTED.

made it through security only dropped my wallet once

ONLY once. Meet us at the Spoons nearest gate 47. First round on me

because divorce

The Stake is technically still active. If we're counting airport bar hours as golf-adjacent rounds then I'm already three up on last year's pace.

Nobody cares about the Stake Colin. STAY IN THE TERMINAL. Gate change coming soon

[image omitted]

88 gross. The wind absolutely DESTROYED that round. Two double bogeys from perfect approach shots that got blown into the rough. I'm actually a 14 on these conditions, 9 when it's fair.

That's your screenshot for the file Colin. Next time cite the wind instead of your swing.

At Hartleigh the wind doesn't exist

It's done.

PUB THURSDAY. YOU'RE COMING. 7PM SHARP DON'T FAFF

mate thats brilliant pub thursday for sure

Doug mate we should absolutely go to the pub Thursday evening, I'll bring some proper beers, none of this lager nonsense Baz will order. You need people around you right now and I for one think the best medicine is a solid pint with mates who understand the pressure you've been under

Cheers lads. Yeah Thursday works.

SORTED. I'LL BOOK CORNER TABLE. NIGE DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME YOU'RE LATE THIS TIME

Right lads, got some news. Joined Hartleigh Golf & Country Club as of today. Proper job this

WHO LET YOU IN

They have standards actually

You joined Hartleigh? Christ, mate, they'll let anyone in these days

At Hartleigh we have proper record keeping. Automatic handicap updates. Quite revolutionary

THE STAKE STANDS UNRESOLVED. AGAIN. THIS IS LIKE THE AIRPORT INCIDENT

Right lads Meadowbank TODAY 2pm tee time. DO NOT BE LATE. Colin you're with me Ferg with Doug Nige with Ronnie. CONFIRM NOW

Confirmed. Fair warning though lads, might look a bit different. Got the new Hartleigh kit.

Hartleigh? You mean Hartleigh Hartleigh?

That's the one.

Right we're heading to the first. Hartleigh would have had us off by now, their starter is ex-military

47

Brilliant. You're having a nightmare

Final scores. Colin 88. Me 79. Ferg 91. Doug 82. Nige 86 Ronnie 77. Cards uploaded

91 is harsh

Same time next month. I'll send the date. And Ferg take the Hartleigh jumper off before you go anywhere.

What happened Ronnie

Hole in one

PROOF. Need screenshot

If you're claiming a hole in one at Meadowbank the 14th I need to see something concrete here. I've got my scorecard from last week which clearly shows the difficulties with that particular hole and my approach to the green. Can attach if necessary

You'd already gone

Nobody listened to that. Scorecard or it didn't happen. NEED THIS BY 18:00

It happened

Scorecard?

Didn't mark it

If you didn't mark it how do we know it happened. I have screenshots of every round I've played, all 14 handicap certified rounds, happy to share as reference for what a proper scorecard looks like

Sunningdale

So to confirm Ronnie you have no scorecard, the course has no record, and nobody witnessed it. I'm not saying it didn't happen but objectively speaking the evidence here is thin

Right lads just did 78 at Meadowbank today. Attached is proof. 14 handicap golfer right here.

COLIN. You've only got 16 holes on that scorecard.

No I haven't Baz, it's all there. I counted. 18 holes, 78 strokes. That's a 14 handicap round by definition.

DEFINITION? The 16th and 17th aren't even on the image. You're a 9. Stop pretending.

They're clearly there Baz look properly. Also I've attached three previous scorecards from the Handicap Committee database that all support the 14 rating. You lot just don't want to admit I'm playing better these days.

he's 100% a nine

Thank you Doug. COLIN you are a 9. The maths doesn't work. 78 off a 14 handicap would be 92. You'd need 86 to claim this.

That's not how it works and you know it. Handicap differential calculations aren't as simple as subtracting. I've got the formulas here from the Union if you want me to paste them. The 78 absolutely counts as a legitimate 14 handicap card.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT FORMULAS. You shot 78. That's a 9 handicap round. Stop lying.

sorry guys i think colin might actually be right on this one

Nige you're late to literally everything, don't start being late to the truth as well

COLIN. Stop. You're a 9. Book for NEXT SUNDAY and we'll settle it with a formal medal round. CLOSING ENTRY: THURSDAY 5PM.

karen's taken the kids to her sister's for a bit so i'm about

oh mate sorry to hear that

PUB THURSDAY. CONFIRM BY TOMORROW 6PM

cheers nige

in for thursday baz

Right. Boxing Day. Who's in.

Nige. You said yes to Christmas round last year and never booked it. Still owe us that round.

You'll forget. You ALWAYS forget. I'm doing it. 14th December. FINAL DEADLINE to confirm. 11am slots.

14th is fine. Wife's got the kids anyway so might as well

DO NOT BAZ THIS, oh wait I mean don't NIGE this

Is that a verb now

NO. It's stupid. Ignore it.

Right lads fixture TOMORROW 11am Bramwell. Sorted. All in?

Ah mate I can't make tomorrow

Hartleigh's got their members breakfast at 10. Clash.

Brilliant

I'll ask about rescheduling the breakfast but they're very particular about their Saturday protocol

Mate you've joined a posher club

You've actually joined a posher club and you're cancelling golf for their breakfast

So that's a no then. Anyone else or is it just the six of us?

That's 45 minutes before tee time. Why would we meet at 10:15?

So Nige arrives by noon. SORTED.

sorry i might be a bit late getting ready will 10:30 be ok

voice message (1:23)

The voice note rises again

It was five months ago. Nobody listened to the evidence.

Because it's not evidence Ronnie it's a voice message where you CLAIM something happened with zero witnesses and expect us all to just believe you based on audio we can't verify

At Hartleigh we have an official committee that verifies all holes-in-one. Very thorough process.

[image omitted]

That's my scorecard from February 2020. Witnessed by Baz. Shot a 92 off 14 handicap which is a 78 net. Do the maths.

You SIGNED it

Ronnie mate you've never proved it once

Could never happen at Hartleigh without witnesses present. Tragic really.

Right lads, time to settle The Stake. End of July, need to know who's won it

Hang on, was it most rounds played or lowest average score? I've got screenshots showing I've done 18 rounds at a 14.2 average, which I reckon puts me well in the mix

It was most rounds. Although at Hartleigh we track quarterly performance metrics which is obviously far more rigorous

NOT average score. Most ROUNDS. Clear as day. Nobody disputes this.

I'm looking back through the messages from 2020 and I genuinely cannot find where it says most rounds. Your original message just said 'whoever plays the most will win a pint' but didn't specify if that meant individual rounds or average rounds played per month or what. I have a screenshot

does it matter? nobody's ever paid it in two years anyway

EXACTLY why we're settling it NOW. Don't Baz it, Doug

I've done 19 rounds, Doug's done 15, Nige has done 12 but three of those were 9-holes, and I think Ferg's done about 14 but half of those were probably at Hartleigh which doesn't count

At Hartleigh we count every round regardless of length because we're not animals

I'm not paying anyone either way. Courts are taking everything anyway

RIGHT. Next year lads. Spain trip. I'm organising it properly this time

im in

Yeah go on then. Bit of sun beats sitting here

NIGE. I need flights sorted TODAY. Not next week. Not eventually. TODAY.

Did he just Baz himself

right so i found flights but theyre 340 a head for the 18th and 295 for the 21st shall i go with 21st

YES. Book it NOW before you change your mind

oh no i havent got my card on me

Right listen up. Spain 2023. Costa Brava resort package sorted. Four nights March 17-21. £850pp including golf AND accommodation. DEPOSITS by Friday 5pm or I'm losing the hold. Not messing about this time.

£850. Christ. That's a lot of divorce money.

sorry i havent actually paid yet ive been mad busy

Don't you Baz this trip Nige. Don't. You. Dare.

its fine ill sort it tomorrow promise

photo

That's 82 gross at Pinehill yesterday. Before you all start, that is EXACTLY what a 14-handicapper shoots on a proper track. I've got the card right there, scorecard verified by the pro shop.

mate you shot par on a par 4 at pinehill? the wind's been brutal there all week

also hole 7 is a par 3 not a 4, so unless you birdied a par 3 you've miscalculated by about 8 strokes

I didn't miscount anything. The card is legible if you actually look at it properly instead of just assuming. I went round with Martin from the pro shop, he was walking with me the whole time

right so martin saw you card a 4 on hole 7

The problem is that Ferg wasn't there and he's now questioning my scorecard based on what he THINKS Pinehill's layout is. I have photographic evidence.

i've played pinehill colin

once. with you. two years ago. and you shot 97

just back from Hartleigh, they've got heated pegs in the drying room

HEATED PEGS. right. we're doing this PROPERLY now. booking next round TOMORROW. 9 holes minimum. no excuses.

the thing is they're HEATED. like radiator pegs. you just take them warm out of the room

THIS IS THE LINE. Hartleigh has crossed it. THURSDAY 27th. I'm sorting it. WHO'S IN.

27th works. might be my last round before the ex starts timing access to the clubs. crack on.

Right lads, annual reckoning time. Who's played the most rounds this year? Need answers by SUNDAY for the Stake payout

I've got 47 rounds documented with scorecards. Happy to screenshot the full season summary if anyone disputes it. Been meticulous because last time there was confusion about what counted as a 'round'—nine holes or eighteen, casual pitch and putt, winter rules, etc. So this time I recorded everything properly with dates and course names.

47? Mate you've done 31. I've got 51. Been playing Hartleigh three times a week, obviously the quality makes the difference

NOBODY CARES ABOUT HARTLEIGH. Who's actually ahead

43 for me. Or is that just the ones where I didn't lose a tenner?

Ronnie can't have 37, he didn't play half the summer. Also we need to clarify—does the Texas scramble at Woodhall count? I included mine, but technically it's not a standard round format, and if we're being strict about the definition then Ferg's 51 is definitely inflated because he's counting club knockabouts which aren't official.

Everything counts. The Stake doesn't specify. And Hartleigh doesn't have knockabouts, we have standards

right so ferg's won then

Obviously. Hartleigh does that

Me and Sarah are done.

Anyway who's in for Sunday

RESPONSES BY TOMORROW 6PM PLEASE

Doug mate I'm genuinely really sorry to hear that. Look if you need anything at all just shout. Sarah's a lovely woman and I know you two really tried. I've attached a screenshot of my last round which was a 73, my handicap is clearly a 14 as you can see from the scorecard, might be nice to get out and play - nothing clears the head like golf

SUNDAY 9AM WHITEBRIDGE. I NEED A YES OR NO BY 6PM TOMORROW

Yeah alright. Someone better not balls it up like the Airport Incident

In. But honestly my cooking's so bad Sarah might've left me over the Sunday roasts

COLIN AND RONNIE. WHITEBRIDGE SUNDAY 9AM. RESPOND WITHIN THE HOUR

Yes I'm in but I want to say again I'm a 14 handicap so you'll see from my card that I shot 73 last week which clearly demonstrates

Shot 79 at Bramcote today absolute peach of a round. Back nine in 38. Genuinely the best I've played all season. Handicap clearly underestimated at 14, this proves it.

Mate you were alone weren't you

Yes but that doesn't invalidate the score does it. I shot the score. I have the card. It happened.

I don't need to screenshot every round I play. I'm telling you what I shot. That should be enough for the group.

[image omitted]

There. The scorecard. 79. Back nine in 38. This is a genuine score.

Mate that's just a photo of a scorecard in your hand no one can read it and also where's the course stamp

I'm not doing this. I don't have to prove my rounds to you people. I know what I shot.

brilliant, got my boarding pass through. just to confirm though Baz when you booked did you make sure it was definitely 4 seats because I want to make absolutely certain there's no mix up, I had a look at my confirmation email and it says seat 12A which is what I—

BARCELONA we're going FROM Girona you numpty. You at the wrong gate

Baz I really do need confirmation on that seat count because four of us flew out and four of us need to come back, that's how maths works, so if you've only got three it means—

COLIN STOP. I booked it. It's done. Get on the plane

theyre saying i cant board

im not on the list

you what

I KNEW IT. I knew there was a problem. Baz you've done it again haven't you. You've Baz'd it. I told you to double check the confirmation but you just said STOP and now look where we—

they're saying THEY made the error not me. three seats only. I'll get them to sort it once I'm home

once you're HOME? We're the ones stuck here Baz. We're at the airport. We can't—did they offer a hotel at least

no hotel voucher sorry lads but I'll cover the costs obviously just keep the receipts. Flight tomorrow 11:15am.

brilliant. spent three grand on a golf trip and now I'm having a night at Girona international economy inn

this is unbelievable, this is actually unbelievable, Baz you have genuinely ruined this entire trip, I've got work tomorrow morning, I had a 9am call scheduled, I'm a 14 handicap I'll have you know and I need my rest before round two at Santander next month so this is just—

We're still at the airport. Terminal C. Nothing is open. This is the worst night of my life.

Sorting what? There are no planes until 6am. I have sent you three separate screenshots of the departure board.

This is genuinely the worst organisational disaster I have ever experienced. And I was there for the Airport Incident. Do not do this to us, Baz. Do not Baz it.

NOBODY SAY DO NOT BAZ IT EVER AGAIN

He is not doing fine, Douglas. He has abandoned three men at an airport at 4 in the morning.

photo

That is the floor. I am sitting on the floor. This is how low we have sunk.

REBOOKED. 6.15AM FLIGHT. YOU'RE WELCOME.

You are the reason we were stranded in the first place. This entire situation is a catastrophic failure of booking procedure and the blame lies entirely with—

Meanwhile I'm at home in a thread count you've never heard of

Ferg I swear to God

Right lads. Got the date. Surgery is 14th June. TWELVE WEEKS minimum recovery. No golf. Thought you should know.

Don't need recommendations Ferg. Already sorted. What I need is the stakes settled while I'm out.

Right, so you're saying you WON'T be claiming The Stake while you're in recovery is what you're saying

Wait—does the surgery pause his count or does it reset? Because if it's a pause situation then technically he could still win depending on what the definition was, I've got screenshots from 2021 where it clearly says MOST ROUNDS IN A CALENDAR YEAR so obviously that's the metric we agreed on, let me find them

Colin The Stake never included surgery clauses. Just play it out. I'll be back before end of August.

Nige I need you to book the summer 4-ball. Week of 3rd July. Friday to Sunday. DO NOT MESS THIS UP.

Right lads. Tomorrow I'm going under the knife. Meniscus repair. They reckon 6-8 weeks before I can swing a club properly. Could be longer. Been thinking about this all day and what if the physio says I've done permanent damage? What if this is it? What if I never get back to where I was? Twenty-odd years of golf and it all ends because of one dodgy landing on the 14th at Moorfield. Might need to step back from organising for a bit. This is serious.

mate it's a meniscus not the Somme

hope youre ok baz really sorry to hear that mate

THANKS NIGE. Ferg, good for you. Colin, don't care about your baseline. Doug, this isn't a joke, I'm genuinely worried. Surgery in eleven hours. Need to sort a deputy to handle bookings while I'm out. Who's stepping up?

not colin

oh mate i dont think i can manage that honestly like i cant even remember to book myself in on time can i

He's NEVER got a point. Right. I'll do it from my couch. Don't care if my leg's in a brace. Next booking window opens Friday and if any of you mess this up and Baz it like the Airport Incident I will remember. FRIDAY. Get your names in early.

mate you'll be fine. we'll be absolute carnage without you though

RIGHT. MARSDEN VALE 2PM SHARP TOMORROW. I'll be there watching even if I'm on these bloody crutches. Need the morale boost after surgery

oh god tomorrow i forgot about that

NIGE. Tee off is 2PM. I'm setting your reminder for 1PM which means be there at 12:30

wait what time did baz say

1PM NIGE. I said 1PM. Don't Baz it

He said 12:30 mate

ok so 2pm then

Are you actually thick? 1PM. EARLIEST. That means you show up at NOON

Better be. And someone remind Nige at 11AM. Set a phone reminder. DO NOT rely on his memory

Just to confirm. 1PM. NOON arrival. Nige that's you at 11:50. Colin you're too slow get there early. Doug Ferg standard time. DO NOT MESS UP

so im there at noon or one pm

NIGE. BOTH. You arrive at NOON. You tee off at 1PM. How is this difficult?

Right, I'm settling this once and for all. I've got a screenshotted scorecard from Murfield 2019, 14 handicap, proper nine holes recorded. This is evidence. I'm demanding a formal handicap review board be convened to examine the data.

Look I'm in bed with the flu so NO. Not happening. Sort it amongst yourselves

mate you went round in 87, we were all there, that's not a 14

Different conditions that day. Wind was up. And I had a shocker on 7. That scorecard is my consistent baseline, you're all looking at one bad round. Besides, I've emailed the club three times about this and they haven't replied so technically it's unresolved.

I WILL LOOK INTO IT WHEN I'M NOT DYING. Everyone stop talking about handicaps. Next booking window is FRIDAY MIDNIGHT for August play. FRIDAY

You're all just avoiding the handicap issue because you know I'm right. This review board is non-negotiable.

Don't Baz it with the review board mate. Just book your next round and we'll settle it on the course

oh my god i just found it

Which stake? The one where I've obviously already won?

I have screenshots of every round I've played since 2019 so I'm confident the data speaks for itself regardless of what the original terms specified. I've been meticulous about recording everything.

the stake baz the big one from march 2020

That's June not March and it clearly says most rounds in a calendar year. I've played 23 already. At Hartleigh obviously, we have better course maintenance.

June 2020 or June 2023? Because I need to know the parameters before we can establish a baseline. Also 23 rounds is not beyond a 14 handicap player if they're disciplined about their practice schedule.

PAY UP OR PROVE IT. Whoever hits 30 rounds first wins the pot. Everyone in or OUT by MIDDAY

Right lads. Back on both legs. Match fit. Tuesday 9am Brackley. 4-ball. I'll send you the link. CONFIRM BY 6PM TOMORROW

Baz can we PLEASE revisit the handicap situation before we commit to another fixture? I've been saying this for two years now. I'm a consistent 14. I have screenshot evidence going back to June that proves—

Everyone except Colin apparently, his handicap is made of fantasy

This is ridiculous. I'm not coming if we're not addressing this properly. The handicap committee should be reassessing based on actual performance data. Why does no one else take this seriously

because mate there's no handicap committee it's five lads and a whatsapp

Nobody cares about Hartleigh. Colin you're a 9 and we all know it. Tuesday 9am. CONFIRM.

I'm not playing under a false handicap. This whole group's integrity depends on us being honest about our abilities. I have evidence. Multiple screenshots showing—

Divorce is done.

Right. Championship booking closes TOMORROW 5pm. MUST have numbers.

oh mate im sorry to hear that

Doug that's rough. If you need anything just say. Genuinely. And look, regarding the Stake — I actually logged my rounds properly this time on the app, got screenshots if anyone wants to verify my numbers because I know there's been some back and forth about who's actually been playing most. I can email them.

It DIDN'T expire. We never paid it. Colin's claiming rounds again is he.

Cheers Nige. Right then, who's for the pub?

So pub is Doug Ronnie Ferg and me then. Nige you're USELESS. TELL ME ABOUT CHAMPIONSHIP.

RIGHT. Nige. Where are we. Deadline was YESTERDAY.

Bit harsh Ferg. Colin's right, he did send those. I was there.

doncaster

DONCASTER???

We discussed EAST MIDLANDS approximately six thousand times.

To be fair to Nige, the airport codes ARE confusing, and if you look at the web design of the booking site, the dropdown menu does have East Midlands lower down, so there's a genuine UX issue at play here—

its only booked for four of you

both airports. ferg from east midlands only.

This is worse than the airport thing. This IS an airport thing.

Right lads. THE STAKE. Spreadsheet attached. Rounds played 2020. Final tally. We settle this TODAY

Hold on, I need to check this against my records. I've got screenshots of every round I played that year. Let me cross-reference the dates because I'm not confident your data capture method was rigorous enough.

FERG we don't care. Colin what records. You can't have records that detailed.

I absolutely can and do have records. I've kept a logbook for every round since 2015. It's methodical tracking. I'm going through 2020 now and so far you've got my count wrong by at least three rounds in the first quarter alone.

Nobody is listening to that Ronnie. Colin bottom line is 47. You're on 46. Baz wins. Moving on.

47 is incorrect. The logbook clearly shows 48 rounds in 2020. I have seven scorecards to prove it.

it was december round that wasnt counted

WHICH ROUND. Specific date. NOW.

This is exactly why we needed a proper methodology from the start. I've always said the Stake was poorly defined and this is the result. Complete chaos.

right well the stake is still on then

RIGHT. Marlow Fields December 14th. NEEDS CONFIRMING BY THURSDAY 5PM. That's three days. Do NOT make me chase you lot up.

I'll be there. Although last time at Marlow my handicap got recorded wrong and I'm still trying to get the club to amend it. The 14 is CORRECT as anyone who bothers to look at my actual scorecards will see attached screenshot from 2019 showing a 14 handicap index, everyone treats me like I'm a 9 which is frankly insulting and I don't know why I play with you all sometimes.

Cheers Doug. Colin mate stop banging on about the 14. You're a 9. We all know. Moving on.

sorry lads just saw this ive got a thing thursday might not make it by 5

Nige. THURSDAY 5PM. It's in the calendar. Sort it.

sorry mate still not got back to you im so sorry im out till late

YOU'VE LOST US THE SLOT. Don't Baz this one Nige, you Niged it. December fixture CANCELLED. Season low.

This is precisely why I advocate for better organisation. As a 14 handicap I deserve better planning. Not a 9. A 14.

I'm definitely in. Good opportunity to demonstrate my actual handicap. The 14 I've been telling you about. Got my card right here if anyone needs reminding.

Ronnie in as well then. That's the four of us. I'll probably shoot something in the mid-80s to be honest, I'm playing quite well. Proved it last week with the 89. Would've been lower but the greens were borderline unplayable.

88 this afternoon and he's planning his acceptance speech

COLIN you shot 88 TODAY. Stop yakking and confirm for BARROWMOOR.

Yes I've just said I'm in. And the 88 actually proves the point I've been making. That's a 14-handicap round. If I was a 9 like you lot claim, an 88 wouldn't happen. The maths doesn't work. I've got the screenshot if anyone wants to see.

photo

oh no he sent it anyway

That's a 9 handicap round.

Ronnie's being sarcastic. The point stands. BARROWMOOR, 21st, I'm there, it's a 14-handicap scorecard.

Right, bit of news. Got the keys to the new place in Reigate yesterday. All boxes now.

mate thats great congrats

Reigate? At least you're not in Croydon I suppose

Thursday's good for me. Beats unpacking.

Ha. Fair play.

Right. Barrowmoor done. Ronnie didn't show. No word, no message, nothing. SIX YEARS he's been on these and he just ghosts. SORT IT OUT

That's not like him at all. Wonder if something's happened? Should we ring him? I've got his number somewhere if anyone needs it. I actually shot a 74 today by the way, screenshots attached if anyone wants to see my card

Course he forgot. It's Ronnie. Remember when he thought the comp was at Sunningdale

im so sorry guys i couldve sworn i messaged him yesterday about confirming

The handicap debate aside, I genuinely think we should check on him. He's got form for being reliable. This is out of character. I'm not saying I told you so but I did mention to Baz last month that we should have a proper contact protocol

Will ring him. Fixture still stands for next month. CONFIRM BY FRIDAY OR YOU'RE OUT

Morning lads. Right. Ronnie's message came through yesterday. In case you've all gone soft in the head, he's asking for thoughts on the hole in one. ACTUAL THOUGHTS not the usual nonsense. 09:00 DEADLINE.

oh mate that was a beautiful moment that

Bit early for this isn't it

I was going to say something supportive but then I remembered we have proper coursing equipment at Hartleigh. They'd have had it on video within seconds. Twelve angles. Probably a plaque by now.

FERG. Not helpful.

Nobody's playing the voice note mate

That is enough about Hartleigh. We are being KIND today. You understand?

Fair point. Look Ronnie, genuinely, that was brilliant. Would've been even more brilliant with infrastructure but still. Brilliant.

Christ, Ronnie. That's serious. You alright?

Mate that's awful. How are you feeling? Do you need anything? I've got a mate whose uncle had something similar and made a full recovery, excellent outcomes these days really, the NHS is actually quite good at these interventions

oh no ronnie im really sorry to hear that mate

You're going to be fine.

Right. When's the procedure. We need to get the fixture list sorted ASAP. Can't have you missing rounds

Look Ronnie, seriously, whatever you need. I can bring meals round, help with anything. I've got some resources about recovery protocols if you want them. Screenshot attached of my own bypass recovery notes just to show how detailed these things can be, might help you prepare

Good. You'll be back out here playing before you know it. We'll get a round in when you're ready.

Your heart's stronger than most blokes I know, mate. You'll get through this easy.

Right lads. Ronnie's in at 10. We'll hear when it's done. Keep your phones on.

Just arrived at the hospital. Dropping him at the entrance now. They've said it should take about 2 hours depending on how they get on. I'll keep everyone posted as soon as I hear anything. He was remarkably calm this morning all things considered.

No problem at all. Just waiting in the reception area. They've got those uncomfortable chairs but they did offer me a tea. The NHS really does its best despite everything.

Still in surgery. Nurse came past about ten minutes ago and said everything is progressing as expected. I'll message the second I get word he's out.

He's out. Recovery room now. Bit groggy but the surgeon says it all went textbook. They're keeping him in for another hour to make sure he's steady before discharge.

Right. Post-surgery plans. Someone needs to pick him up at 1. I'm blocked. Doug?

I'm already here obviously so I'll handle that. My car's in the car park. Means you'll all owe me a pint by the way.

He's discharged. A bit tender but walking fine. Needs to rest up for a few days and keep the wound dry. The pharmacy gave us a full list of instructions and painkillers if he needs them. On our way to his now.

Just got him settled at home. He's asking for a drink but here's the kicker - he specifically said he wants a pint of squash not lager. He's grand though. Really pleased it's all done. Should be back on the course in about three weeks.

Three weeks means he'll be back for the Autumn Scramble. Get him on the list Colin.

Already done.

RIGHT. NO MORE EXCUSES. WHO'S COMMITTING TO SOUTHDOWN NEXT MONTH YES OR NO. NEED NAMES BY FRIDAY

Ronnie mate that's gutting news. Look after yourself. There's no rush on anything but I think we'd all really like you to stay around. You're part of the furniture here.

oh mate thats rough really sorry to hear that you cant go anywhere were stuck with you now

Mate. You're not allowed to leave. I need someone else here who's suffering.

BAZ NOT RESPONDING TO SENTIMENT. ANSWERING THE SOUTHDOWN QUESTION. NAMES. FRIDAY.

Baz why does everything have to be a crisis with you. Ronnie's just told us he's stepping back and you're screaming about Southdown. The man's health is shot.

LIFE GOES ON. FIXTURE NEEDS SORTING. YOU IN OR OUT

Right then. Drinks this Thursday? All of us. Ronnie you're buying the first round as payment for not actually leaving.

THURSDAY 7PM THE CROWN. EVERYONE THERE. DO NOT PULL A NIGE.

RIGHT. THE STAKE IS OFFICIALLY VOID. Due to time elapsed and nobody keeping proper records. Consider it CLOSED.

Absolutely not. I was clearly winning as of August. I've got the scorecards to prove it. I can screenshot them right now if needed.

wait what happened to the stake

It's VOID, Nige. Nobody won because nobody tracked it properly. This was meant to be settled in 2020.

Mate you're the one who set it up. Own it.

I OWN IT. It was a badly defined bet and it's void. Next rounds are booked for the 15th. Get your handicaps verified before then.

so do i owe money or not because i genuinely cant remember

Nobody owes anything mate. That's what void means.

oh thank god

HANDICAP VERIFICATION REQUIRED BY DECEMBER 10TH. This is your deadline. Don't Baz it.

everyone at the plough by 7. DO NOT be late. table is under baz not bazza.

I shall be attending this evening's gathering. I've had an excellent week on the course actually, shot 78 on Tuesday which proves definitively that my handicap assessment of 14 is entirely reasonable and justified. I've attached the scorecard below for reference.

78 at Blackwood? Hartleigh members were shooting that in their sleep yesterday. Bit different when the greens actually have standards.

nige where are you

NIGE. THE PLOUGH. NOW.

This is highly irregular. The authenticity of that recording has never been properly established and I don't think—

just played it. table went dead silent. then everyone lost it. ferg is crying. doug is buying ronnie a pint. colin walked out. nige said sorry to ronnie. what just happened.

best night I've had in months

House sale completed. Finally.

Mate that's brilliant news though seriously. Big step. You'll be in a much better place in the head I reckon. I went through something similar with the cottage sale back in 2019 and honestly once the paperwork's done you can breathe again. Proper closure.

Cheers lads. And yeah I'll be there Baz.

sorry ill be there

voice message (0:31)

RIGHT. Colin's in surgery today. No messages til he's out, that's an order. We don't want him waking up to 50 notifications WORST case scenario.

photo

COLIN. You're not meant to be awake yet.

Still in recovery. Nurse helped me text. Doing the full reconstruction, she said the tear was worse than they thought. Can't weight bear for six weeks minimum.

Right. Got you. We'll reschedule the July trip. Nige, you're on it. Colin, I've made you something. Sending now. DO NOT LOOK TIL YOU'RE HOME.

Is that... am I reading this right

That's genuinely brilliant

Right. Stansted departure in 45 mins. Everyone accounted for?

running bit late just exited m25 traffic bananas

NIGE. Flight boards in 44 minutes. Where are you

This is exactly what happened before. The Airport Incident. You remember the Airport Incident. We should have learned. I've documented everything in my booking confirmation to prove it wasn't my fault this time

okay coming up to junction eight now

uhhh ten mins away maybe bit of congestion round the roundabout

oh god im in the car park now where do i go

found it running through the door now security queue looks mental

through security! heading to gate now which gate sorry

Don't lol. RUN

ive made it im at the gate theyre scanning boarding passes now im in

He's done it

He cut it very fine. I calculated he had a 3 minute safety margin. Technically reckless. Anyway we're all boarding now so The Stake is officially on for this trip. I'm definitely playing more rounds than the rest of you given my superior consistency

Actually got some news. Seeing someone new. Pretty serious about it.

Handicap in relationships about to improve then

Good on ya Doug. Pub Thursday? RSVP by Wednesday noon

That's genuinely brilliant Doug. Really pleased for you mate. Hope it works out well.

Cheers lads. Yeah Thursday works.

oh thats great mate really happy for you will try make thursday but cant confirm til tuesday is that ok

anyone fancy a round tuesday

I'm in. Though I should mention I've been working on my swing technique over the past few weeks and I reckon I'm playing closer to my true handicap again, which is 14, I know people dispute this but I actually have documented evidence from my last five rounds averaging out to—

Colin that's 3 rounds. Colin is 9 not 14. Ferg of course Hartleigh. Doug in. Nige always last. Sorted. Deadline EXTENDED to 6pm TUESDAY because apparently you're all useless.

Still not sure why we're all pretending Colin's a 14 when Hartleigh wouldn't let him in at that handicap. They've got standards.

remember that year we had The Stake, who actually ended up winning that

DON'T. The Stake is permanently unresolved, like Colin's handicap. PINNED THIS MESSAGE so nobody brings it up again.

lol fair

Right lads. Six years. THE BOGEY MEN endures. Voice from the legend incoming

Couldn't hear a word of that. Audio's all fucked.

It was a lovely sentiment Ronnie, really captured the spirit of what we've achieved together as a group over these past six years. I've actually kept records of every round we've played - all 187 of them - and I can send them over if anyone wants to see the breakdown by course difficulty and my own personal performance metrics which I think tell quite an interesting story

Anyway. 2027 fixture one is JANUARY 16TH. Mark it now or don't come crying when it's full. DEADLINE FOR COMMITMENT IS DECEMBER 15TH

She's getting the house by the way

Colin, we ALL know. Cheers though.

Anyway pub Thursday? My shout

Nige you've had THREE MONTHS. Don't Baz this.

[image omitted]

Is that the same scorecard from 2023

At Hartleigh they use a different format entirely

She's getting the house by the way