Right. Everyone. Mum's finally on WhatsApp. Please be NICE and don't immediately overwhelm her with seventeen messages. She's still getting used to the Samsung. Tom's fault for picking the fanciest one in the shop.

hello margaret welcome to hell

Margaret!!! Welcome welcome welcome!!! So happy you're here finally! How are you getting on with the new phone? Tom's been saying he set it all up for you! This is going to be so lovely, we can all chat properly now instead of Ruth having to relay messages like it's still the 1990s! 😊

gran's on the group chat this is it this is the moment everything changes [image omitted]

Tom. She doesn't understand memes yet. Give her a chance. Mum - just reply when you can. No rush at all.

she's spry

Right then. Welcome to The Whole Shebang everyone. Ground rules: • No chain messages. • No unsolicited medical advice. • Keep it civil. Looking forward to hearing from you all. Love, Mum.

hello

PAUL. How are you already here.

always am

Oh my god Paul that's incredible!! Ruth set this up literally ONE SECOND ago and he's already here!! That's such a Paul move honestly, I love it so much. Sorry I'm so excited about family chat but I really am! It'll be so nice to keep in touch properly instead of sending voice notes into the void! Sorry that was a lot of words sorry!

[voice note, 4:27]

Sam I cannot listen to a four minute voice note at nine in the morning. Text please.

Haha honestly the voice notes are a Sam special! Nobody ever listens to them do they!! I definitely will though!! Or... I might listen to it later!! Sorry Sam I know you put effort in!!

no one listens to sam voice notes its true

The Rose is coming along nicely. Love, Mum.

[image omitted]

its just a bud

Oh how lovely! Just like last year!! I remember you sending that exact photo in April and I was like 'Mum this is the same rose' and you were like 'Ellie it's a DIFFERENT rose' but honestly Mum it was clearly the exact same bush!! Anyway it's really beautiful I love that you do this every year it makes me feel connected to home even though things are so crazy right now with everything going on!

[voice message (0:31)]

what did she say

Voice message (2:14)

• Mum what was that.

It was my Victoria sponge Recipe. Two eggs whisked lightly nut meg.

Margaret I'm sorry but nut meg?? Did you mean nutmeg?! I'm crying that's brilliant!

two eggs whisked lightly nut meg is going straight on the kitchen wall

• Paul don't encourage her. Mum what are the actual measurements. ACTUAL ones.

Of course I Dictated it. I am quite Spry still. One hundred and Seventy Grams of Butter and the same of Sugar. Then add the Two eggs whisked lightly love Margaret.

The love Margaret at the end of the ingredients list I can't!! Margaret you can't just sign off in the middle of a recipe!!

voice message (2:14)

What on earth was that?• Margaret did the voice note send properly?• We can't quite make it out.

Of course it sent properly. I said the Recipe clear as day. Three hundred Grams of Flour, two Eggs whisked lightly nut meg and a teaspoon of mixed Spice. Love, Mum.

Oh I think I heard 'nut meg' in there! Margaret do you mean nutmeg like the spice?? That would make so much sense with the spiced cake!

It IS nutmeg Paul. That is what I said. Nutmeg. I don't know why you're all being so Deliberately Obtuse.

Margaret we heard 'nut meg' as two separate words!• We weren't being obtuse!• Your phone was being obtuse.

I am Perfectly Clear when I speak. Perhaps you all just need to Listen Better. Anyway I shall crack on. This cake won't bake itself. Margaret x

Right. Evening check-in time. How is everyone doing? Please actually respond this time, not like last Tuesday when Paul was the only one who bothered.

Hey everyone! I'm doing... well, I'm doing okay actually. Or I was. Honestly I'm finding it quite hard being on my own down here. I know everyone's struggling but there's something about being completely alone in your flat that just hits different. Sorry, that was a bit of a downer to put on the group! I'm fine really, don't worry about me!

Ellie. You don't need to apologise for being honest. We're family. Have you been getting outside at all? Even just to the garden?

Oh Darling Ellie. This is such a difficult time and you are being so Brave. I have lived through many Seasons of loneliness and I can tell you that what you are feeling is Real and it is Valid. You have always been the most Thoughtful of us and sometimes that sensitivity is a burden. But you are never truly alone because we are thinking of you here and sending our Love across the miles. I am very proud of you for saying so. This too shall pass, my dear, and you will come through the other side Stronger. Love, Mum.

I'm sorry, I just need to say - Margaret that was actually exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. And Paul you made me laugh which I also needed. I'm going to be okay. I promise.

I have just put the lamb in the oven at 180 degrees. I am doing it for twenty minutes per pound plus an extra twenty minutes. The Lamb is three pounds so that will be one hour and twenty minutes. I have rubbed it with rosemary and Garlic. Love, Mum.

Mother. Have you actually typed out a full cooking method. I have never. In my life. Seen you type this much.

Oh this is so lovely! Margaret documenting her roast for us! I love that you're sharing this! Are you doing roast potatoes too? I want to know everything about it! Sorry this is long!

The Roast Potatoes are par boiled in Salted Water and I have tossed them in Goose Fat with Salt and Pepper. They are going in the oven at 200 degrees for forty-five minutes. The Parsnips need only thirty minutes in the same temperature. I am Spry enough to manage the whole affair. Love, Mum.

Right. • Lamb 1:20. • Potatoes 45 mins. • Parsnips 30 mins. • Margaret: SPRY. Got it.

Spry Margaret is the best Margaret! I'm so excited that you're all together for this roast! Well, together separately of course! But you're having the same meal at the same time and that's what matters! This is lovely! Sorry for rambling!

Ruth what does LOL mean. Someone has written it to me and I haven't the faintest idea what it is. Love, Mum.

laugh out loud

It means 'Laugh Out Loud' Mum. People use it when something is funny. Pretty straightforward once you know!

Oh I see. Laugh Out Loud. Well that is very sensible actually. LOL. Love, Margaret x

The Rose is looking absolutely magnificent this year. I shall take a photograph for you all. LOL. Margaret x

Mum I don't think that one requires an LOL. But yes please do send the rose photo! It's been ages since we've seen it.

I made a rather Lovely soup for lunch. Carrot and coriander. LOL. Margaret x

Well I think it is rather amusing Paul. LOL. Love, Margaret x

Right. Everyone decent? Margaret's taken a photo of the garden. Brace yourselves.

The Rose is coming along beautifully this year. Quite splendid really. Love, Mum.

okay officially calling it the rose watch 2020

OH I love this! Is this the third one?? I feel like it's been growing all summer and now it's finally properly bloomed! It looks even better than last year honestly!! Sorry that was long!

• Third annual Rose Photograph. • Same location (marginally different angle). • Caption approximately identical. • The man upstairs is laughing at us.

Has anyone seen the rose yet this year. It's coming along Beautifully.

[image omitted]

Another absolute beauty. Same spot. Same angle. ICONIC.

I was trying to record a message about the pudding for Sunday but I Can't seem to work out how you people do these voice things. I'm Spry enough for most things but technology is rather against me.

You're doing brilliantly Margaret! You're already in the group chat which took some of us ages! What kind of pudding are we thinking?

[voice message (0:40)]

WAIT. WAIT.

OH MY GOD DID ANYONE ELSE JUST LISTEN TO THAT?? That's Margaret's voice note!! I can hear the radio in the background!! And she's going 'now how do I stop this thing'!! I'm in stitches! That's the best thing that's ever happened in this chat!

• Replayed 6 times. • Cannot stop laughing. • Margaret has accidentally created GOLD.

Right. Mum's all set up now. She's got her own phone and everything. Let's see if this works. Do NOT ring her. She will panic.

HELLO EVERYONE THIS IS MARGARET TESTING TESTING. Love, Mum.

Margaret!!! You did it!! This is so exciting! Welcome to the group! We've been chatting for ages and now you're finally here! Sorry that was quite long, I do get excited about things!

Hello Ellie. Thank you for having me. Ruth says I can send pictures of the garden now. Is that correct. Love, Mum.

voice message (0:31)

Mum. MUM. You have to TYPE.

Haha no it's okay Ruth, I loved hearing her voice! That was so lovely Margaret! What was it about?

I do. Love, Mum.

What. Love, Mum.

He's just being silly! Tom's being affectionate! It's a term of endearment thing! Don't worry about it!

Oh. That is very sweet. Love, Mum.

I am quite spry actually Ruth. But yes. Tea would be lovely. Love, Mum.

Voice message (2:47)

two eggs wished lightly

I sent my Flapjack recipe Dear. The voice recognition is rather helpful but not always accurate. Love, Mum.

Okay I listened and I'm HOWLING. Two eggs wished lightly??? And nut meg optional??? And then... oven gas mark fart?? Margaret this is the most chaotic thing I've ever heard!

oven gas mark fart im crying

Right. I'm making actual flapjacks this afternoon. I'll use my brain. Not gas mark fart.

two eggs wished lightly nut meg optional oven gas mark fart i am transcribing this and framing it

Right then. Time for the Lemon Drizzle. Pencil and paper ready.

voice message (1:47)

One sponge. Two eggs whisked lightly. One hundred and seventy five grams of butter.

voice message (2:14)

Zest of one Lemmon. Two tablespoons of ground nut meg.

zest of one lemmon like jack lemmon

Oh my god is Margaret making a recipe with Jack Lemmon in it that's brilliant!

Voice to text is quite extraordinarily stupid sometimes. L-E-M-O-N. Obviously. Love, Mum.

This is the best day ever honestly! Can't believe Margaret tried to bake with a dead actor! Margaret x

Good morning everyone. I thought I might dictate my Victoria sponge recipe for Ellie as she asked so nicely. Love, Mum.

voice message (2:17)

Transcribed: Two hundred grams of castor sugar for the wound. Two hundred grams of softened butter. Four eggs, whisked lightly, love Margaret. Self-raising flour, also two hundred grams. Two teaspoonfuls of baking powder. Splash of milk. Strawberry jam and cream for filling. Bake at one hundred and seventy-five degrees for twenty minutes.

castor sugar for the wound im framing that

Thank you so much Ruth for transcribing! I think Margaret probably meant caster sugar which is the fine one, not the medical kind haha! Will definitely give this a go! So grateful for you all! Sorry for the excitement I'm just really keen to bake!

The rose is holding on well. Margaret x

[image omitted]

Oh Margaret that's a lovely one! I've been keeping a little tally document because I realised we do this every year and I wanted to see if the captions were actually similar or if I was just remembering it wrong! So I've gone back through all the ones I could find and made a spreadsheet and honestly the consistency is incredible! It's like a beautiful annual tradition without anyone meaning it to be one! Sorry that's so long I just got excited about it!

[image omitted]

Ellie this is brilliant. Genuinely brilliant. I'm genuinely laughing. The rose photo tracker is now officially canon.

[an older meme format showing two spidermen pointing at each other] margaret posting the rose. margaret posting the rose again

[image omitted: meme about 2019 being a good year]

that's from last year mate

Oh Tom! This is from 2019! I think you might be a bit behind on the meme timeline! No worries though, it's still funny! Sorry that sounds patronising, I don't mean it to!

Tom. • It is currently 2020. • That meme is from 2019. • Please check timestamps before posting. THANK YOU.

oh right yeah fair

[voice message (1:15)]

steak and sydney pie

It is Kidney not Sydney. The Telephone must be Broken. Steak and Kidney Pie. Kidney. Love, Mum.

[voice message (0:43)]

Margaret that's just you saying 'nut meg' for two minutes

nut meg! NUT MEG!! I'm absolutely howling, this is making my whole morning! Sorry I know I'm being dramatic but genuinely this is the funniest thing, Margaret dictating recipes will never not be funny to me!

voice message (2:14)

Right. So it's. Two eggs whisked lightly. A pound of dried fruit. Dark treacle. Breadcrumbs. And apparently 'a good slug of the dark stuff' which I assume means brandy.

This is amazing!! She said 'a GOOD slug' like she was giving us secret insider knowledge!!! I'm dying!! Also Paul she did mean Christmas pudding, started it ages ago apparently, it needs time to rest or something?

Tom don't start. Sam that was a perfectly good message I'm sure. Anyway. Mum's Christmas pudding recipe is officially canon now.

Love, Mum.

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you've all got your coffee on. Video call at 11am as planned - link below. Please be on time, Margaret gets anxious about technical difficulties.

Merry Christmas! So excited to see everyone even if it's just on a screen! I've made way too much food and will definitely be eating it all myself but that's the spirit!

Yes Ruth I can type perfectly well. I was simply leaving you a lovely message about the Christmas Biscuits everyone sent. Most generous. They arrived yesterday and Harold and I have been sampling them all morning. The shortbread was particularly good. Thank you all very much. Margaret x

Aw Margaret I'm so glad you liked them! That makes me so happy! I wasn't sure if they'd survive the post but they seem to have made it in one piece! Sorry this is such a long message!

Right everyone. Video call in progress. Paul what are you doing down the garden shed.

signal better out here

[meme of distracted boyfriend but it's outdated] nice

Tom that meme is from 2017. We've discussed this. Multiple times.

I hope you've all had a lovely Christmas despite the circumstances. Harold sends his love. We're feeling very Spry and grateful for our technology today so we could see you all. Love, Mum.

spry

I thought I might make a Cottage Pie for supper next week. Does anybody fancy coming over..

yes

Oh yes please! I've been craving proper home cooking, everything I make just tastes a bit sad and I'm not sure if it's the recipes or just me! Sorry that's a bit dramatic for a Tuesday evening ha! What day were you thinking?

[voice message (1:41)]

wait did she just say mashed potato on tip

she did

That's the recipe. Mashed potato on tip. She's dictating it to me and that's what it keeps saying.

I'm sorry I'm laughing so hard, poor Margaret trying to dictate and getting mashed potato on tip! That's brilliant! Love, Mum. x

Right, so Dan and I have some news! We're expecting! Baby due in August. I'm still in shock to be honest, we weren't planning it for another year or so but here we are! Can't quite believe it's real. Sorry for the long message, I'm just buzzing with it all!

congratulations

ELLIE. Oh my goodness. This is wonderful news.• Congratulations to you both.• When did you find out.• Have you told Dan's parents yet.

How wonderful. Margaret x

Thanks everyone! Tom that meme is from like 2018 but I appreciate the sentiment 😂 Ruth - found out this morning! We're doing Dan's parents next, then the rest of the family. Still feels mad to say out loud.

voice message (3:07)

Oh my god I'm crying

Listened to my note did you. Love, Mum.

She's just being lovely about it all! About the baby and about us being ready and just really lovely things! I can't even paraphrase it properly without getting emotional again!

Mum. MUM. Please tell me you're not sending recipe instructions via voice note again.

Oh no what did it say this time!! I'm so excited about this! Sorry for the enthusiasm but I've been craving rhubarb crumble all week and I really want to try making it!

Rhubarb crumble. One and a half pounds of rhubarb. Plane flour. Two ounces of butter. Brown sugar. Love, Mum.

does it need to be assembled at an airport

It's PLAIN flour. Plain. As in ordinary. Not aircraft related. Honestly.

I'm dying!! Plane flour!! That's brilliant!! Sorry I shouldn't laugh at Margaret but that's absolutely sent me! Thank you for the recipe though, I'll make sure to use regular flour and not try to get it from the cockpit!

It is a Scone Recipe. For Ellie. She asked.

I did! I'm so excited to make them! Sorry everyone, I know this is just a family chat but scones are honestly one of my favourite things and Margaret's are just incredible! Sorry for the enthusiasm!

who is sal

sal the neighbour

Salt. A pinch of salt Tom. Not Sal.

Oh my god it was voice-to-text! That's brilliant! A pinch of Sal! I'm definitely making scones with a pinch of Sal from now on haha!

Right. Here's the whole gang. Finally got everyone in one shot at last night's gathering. Absolutely exhausted but this one's a keeper.

looking good

Hold on. PAUL. 02:08??? Did you just reply at 2am?? Let me get a screenshot of this because nobody will believe me otherwise. [image omitted] When do you SLEEP? That's four seconds! FOUR SECONDS after Mum sent that photo!

i was awake

Paul. Please. For the love of God. Put the phone down occasionally. I'm genuinely concerned for your wellbeing. Sleep is important. This is not a drill.

Right I'm going to send you all the Victoria sponge recipe because Ruth keeps asking and I won't be here to tell you in person. Here goes. Two hundred grams of butter. Two hundred grams of caster sugar. To eggs. Two hundred grams of self raising flour. One teaspoon of baking powder. Two tablespoons of milk. One teaspoon of vanilla extract. Nut meg. Pinch of salt. Preheat to one hundred and eighty degrees. Love, Mum.

to eggs

"TO EGGS" Margaret!! Two hundred grams of caster sugar, TO EGGS, two hundred grams of self raising flour! I'm crying!!

Right. So we're not using it then.

one teaspoon of nut meg

I'm sorry I shouldn't be laughing but the way autocorrect just absolutely demolished this!! "Pinch of salt" is fine and then "Nut meg" like it's some sort of medieval spice merchant!! I can just see it now, going to the market and asking the spice seller for some nut meg!!

Has anyone actually listened to one of Sam's voice notes. Ever. I genuinely cannot remember.

Sorry Ruth!! But yes I will actually use the recipe, I think it's quite clear what Margaret meant even if her phone has decided nut meg is a legitimate word! Should be lovely. Thanks Mum x

You're welcome. I'm perfectly Spry. Hope it turns out well. Margaret x

Right. Everyone needs to listen. Margaret's had a fall at the house. She's conscious but we're waiting on the ambulance. I'm heading over now.

Christ. Which hospital

Oh my God, is she okay?? What happened? I'm so worried!! Sorry for all the messages I'm just panicking a bit!

Update. She's in the kitchen. Reached for a tin on the high shelf. Hit her head on the counter on the way down. Denise heard the bang and checked on her. Paramedics are with her now.

They're loading her in the ambulance. I'm five minutes away. Will call you all when I have proper news. Do NOT call the house phone.

Right. I'm at the hospital with her. She's conscious and talking. Waiting on X-rays but the paramedics think it's just a nasty bump and possible bruising. She's being properly examined now.

The hospital says we need to come in Tomorrow Morning. Your Father is having the procedure after all. Love, Mum.

The Infirmary Paul. Nine O'clock. He is Spry. Do not make a fuss.

Please let me know the second you know anything!! I'll be up early ready to get a train if you need me but I'm trusting you guys to tell me if that's actually necessary. Love you all so much. Margaret x

Sleep Well Dear. All Will Be Well. Love, Mum.

Margaret has just come out of the clinic. Cast is OFF! How are you feeling, Mum?.

I listened!! It said something about being free at last like a bird set loose? Or that's what I think it said, the voice-to-text was quite funny actually

Okay so it said 'free at last like a bird set loose, love mum' and honestly it's the most beautiful thing that's ever come out of autocorrect. I'm emotional about it!

I'm never getting over this. This is peak Margaret. Free at last like a bird set loose! I'm going to think about this forever, sorry for rambling!

Good Morning everyone. I hope you are all well. I've been thinking I should learn how to send one of those voice message things, Sam would you be able to show me how to do it.

voice message (0:40)

OH MY GOD MUM JUST USED A VOICE NOTE!! I'm sorry that's such a big deal but it is!! She was talking about the weather and a robin and honestly it was the sweetest thing I've heard all week! Sorry I'm being dramatic but I'm genuinely so charmed right now!!

crying at mags saying the robin was 'staring directly into my soul' when it was clearly just looking for breadcrumbs

Has anyone seen Ken's cardiology appointment letter? It should have come through last week. - Also does anyone know if he's been alright? He seems more tired than usual when I see him.

He's just a bit under the Weather dear. Nothing to worry about. I've got it all in Hand.

Oh no is Grandpa Ken okay?? I didn't realise anything was wrong! Should we be worried? I could pop round this weekend if he needs anything! Sorry that's probably too many questions at once!

Right. • Mum I need you to actually find the letter and check the date. • If Ken's more tired than normal that's worth getting checked. • This is exactly the sort of thing we need to stay on top of. PLEASE.

[image omitted]

She is thinking about it. Love, Mum.

this isnt even bloomed yet. doesnt that violate the rose agreement

Mum. The rules were very clear. Full bloom only. We discussed this.

Morning all. Paul's got an appointment with the respiratory consultant this morning. Scheduled for 10:15. Will update once we know more.

they found something

• Adenocarcinoma. • Non-small cell. • Stage IIIA. • They want a PET scan next week to stage it properly. • Oncology referral already in motion. • Mr Patel was very thorough.

im here

• He's fine right now. A bit shocked. We're going to get him home and then have a proper chat about next steps. • The consultant was optimistic about treatment options. • Chemo, likely. Possibly radiotherapy. • More after the PET scan.

Ken died this morning, peacefully, at twenty past six. I was with him. Love, Mum.

oh mum im so sorry

The rose has done it again this year. Absolute picture. Love, Mum.

• It's gorgeous. • Same spot as last year? • We should do prints of these.

Ruth dear thank you. Yes the very same spot. I do like to keep things consistent. Love, Mum.

[voice note, 4:12]

Sam. HAVE YOU SLEPT. That's brilliant about the slideshow but you need to rest before tomorrow.

Oh Sam that's so lovely! I'm sorry I couldn't be there to help but honestly that's perfect. Dad would have loved seeing all those photos together. I'm tearing up thinking about it! Sorry that's silly, I know everyone's been doing loads. You're such a good son honestly.

Thank you all. He would have liked the fuss really, whatever he said. Love, Mum.

[image omitted]

She has come out at last. Ken would say she took her time.

there it is

Oh beautiful! Same spot as always. • Same angle. • Same rose. • Honestly Mum this is my favourite day of the year now.

finally cleared the shed. found kens sweet tin from 2019 still in there

Oh wow those sweets! I remember Ken always had those! That's so lovely that they're still there, untouched. It's like a little time capsule from him! Sorry I'm being sentimental, just feels quite touching somehow!

Leave the shed. I like it as it is. Love, Mum.

Mum Ruth sorry can I ask a weird question? Is it normal to just feel RAVENOUS all the time??? Like I've eaten three breakfasts since I got up and I'm still hungry! Not complaining just wondering if I'm losing the plot or if this is like a thing that happens

Ellie. Are you trying to tell us something? . . . ELLIE.

OH MY GOD I was being so subtle wasn't I! Yes! We're having a baby!! Due in June! I'm so excited I can't actually believe this is real!

!!!. Your grandfather would have been thrilled. Love, Mum.

ELLIE. I'm so pleased. This calls for a proper celebration. • Mum you're okay? • Sam Tom get in here.

Obviously! She said she's spry enough to be a great-grandmother and that she'll teach the baby to garden. I'm actually crying that was so lovely.

Of course she did. Mum you're going to be brilliant. • June. A summer baby. How lovely. Love, Ruth x

Mum. Genuinely asking. Would you rather we did Christmas somewhere else this year. No pressure at all. Tom's flat is tiny but we could make it work. Or I could do it here. Just want to check in.

She said she's spry enough to peel a sprout thank you. And we're doing Christmas here.

I'm so relieved honestly! The farm kitchen is the only place where Christmas tastes right! Sorry that's cheesy I know but it's true. Love Mum x (I'm mimicking Margaret now is that obvious)

Right. December planning meeting time.• Christmas menu finalised.• Shopping list.• Who's doing what this year. Over.

I have Ken's stuffing recipe. I thought I should send it now so you can all have it. For this Christmas and beyond. Here it goes. Six ounces of breadcrumbs, one onion, finally chopped.

Two eggs whisked lightly. Salt and pepper to taste. Sage if you have it. All mixed together then roasted in a tin with lard. Love, Mum.

This is so special! Thank you Mum for sharing this with us! We'll make it exactly how Dad used to and it will be like he's there at the table with us. That's lovely. Sorry, getting emotional!

Oh for heaven's sake. Yes. Finely. Not finally. Technology. Margaret x

What is a Meme. Love, Mum.

Oh Marg! A meme is like a funny picture or a video that goes around the internet and everyone shares it and makes variations of it! They're usually jokes that people find relatable or absurd! Tom sends them all the time and Paul always knows when they're old which is actually hilarious because Tom genuinely doesn't seem to care about meme currency and it's kind of endearing! Sorry that was long!

I shall Try. Margaret x

I have put a chair for your grandfather at the table. It felt wrong not to.

Merry Christmas everyone!. Breakfast in 20 mins. Come down if you're up..

Merry Christmas! I'm so excited I could barely sleep! Can't wait to see everyone and eat far too much food! Sorry that's a bit much first thing but I'm genuinely thrilled!!

Just felt the baby kick properly! Like an actual proper kick! And we're all together for it almost, this is so lovely, I can't believe our little one will be here soon and they'll know all of you! Sorry I'm being sentimental

[image omitted: photo of the rose bush covered in frost, bare branches]

A Beautiful Day. We were all there. Love, Mum.

[voice message 0:47]

A voice note dear I am trying these out instead of typing so much. I shall be having a quiet night and perhaps watching something on the television. Love, Mum.

margaret finally enters the voice note era while sam exits it

Right so I have some news!! We're pregnant! Due in October! Still can't quite believe it to be honest, it's only just started to feel real this week. Anyway thought you lot should know! Haven't told work yet so keep it under wraps for now but we're absolutely buzzing!

MY GIRL. I AM SPEECHLESS. Love, Mum.

I shall be A GRANDMOTHER again.

Ellie! This is wonderful!. - Such exciting news. - Tom and Sam need to know!. - Congratulations to you both. - We should plan something to celebrate when you're back home.

Oh my god thank you all! Mum I promise I've got the vitamins sorted, been taking them since we started trying! And yeah we're planning to come up in a few weeks so can celebrate properly then. Sorry this is quite long but I'm just so happy to finally tell people! X

Spry news altogether

[voice message (1:23)]

Mum. Mum what is it.• What's wrong.• Call me if it's urgent.

oh my god is everything okay??? i'm so worried now!

just your mum dictating shortbread again

wait i haven't listened yet!! what did she say?? sorry for panicking mum sorry ruth sorry paul sorry everyone!!

four ounces of butter sifted flour a nuns worth of sugar

i'm sorry but a NUN'S WORTH?? does anyone know how much sugar a nun is worth?? this is absolutely brilliant margaret!!

I'm Perfectly Spry Thank You. Just Making Shortbread. Love, Mum.

SHE IS BACK AGAIN. Margaret x.

mate thats the 2022 photo

Mum. Did you just send the same rose photo as last year. • Check your camera roll. • Please.

Oh my god it absolutely is!! The angle is identical! Same pot, same fence post in the background! Margaret I love you but this is hilarious!

tech support would like to inform you she might have attached the wrong file by accident

voice message (9:23)

Mum. MUM. Please tell me you didn't just send a nine minute voice note.

Oh no what's happened now!! I'm listening through it but Mum it's about the fence isn't it!! I can already tell from the first two minutes that Denise is being completely unreasonable about the boundary line and honestly I think you've been more than patient with her over the years!! Sorry that was long I'll stop ranting!!

Nobody is listening to that Sam.

Well Ruth there was rather a Lot to explain about what Denise said regarding the posts. I thought it best to go through it Chronologically. Love, Mum.

Mum. The fence posts or... is this a different fence dispute.

Right. Ellie is in labour. At Whiston. Three weeks early. Heading there now..

Christ. Is she ok

Contractions started around lunch. She waited to see if they'd stop. They didn't. Waters went at 4. She's calm. Boyfriend's with her.

Mum said she's texting you all! I'm fine honestly, bit surreal but the midwife says everything looks good and babies born at 37 weeks are usually fine! Sorry for worrying everyone I know it's early!

• Currently 6cm dilated.• Contractions every 3-4 minutes.• Midwife team seem very competent.• Will update within the hour.

Ellie is such a Brave Girl. I remember my labours very clearly. Three of them. Very painful. Sixteen hours with Ruth. Margaret x

Oh Mum that's not helping 😅 but thank you! I'm trying not to think too hard about what's coming! The gas and air is quite nice!

7cm now. She's managing well with the breathing. Still calm. Still no screaming.

SHE'S HERE. Freya Margaret arrived at 2:14am. 6lb 9oz. Everyone doing brilliantly. Ellie is a STAR.

that's incredible

I'm sorry I'm replying this late but I'm absolutely wrecked and just wanted to say thank you all for being so supportive through this whole thing! I can't quite believe she's actually here and she's perfect and tiny and I'm completely in love already! Sorry this is so rambly I'm just so tired and emotional!

Don't apologise. You've just given birth. Rest now. Updates tomorrow.

voice message (0:31)

I'm crying that was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard and I'm hormonal anyway so now I'm actually sobbing thank you Mum for that. Love, Mum. x

Right. Sleep now. ALL of us. We can celebrate properly when she's home.

I'm Spry. Margaret x

Right. Photos incoming. Ellie's had the baby. Everyone's healthy. Mum, you're a grandmother again.

Oh Ruth. OH RUTH. How wonderful. Is Ellie alright. I want to see her immediately.

• 7lb 2oz. • Born 04:17. • Baby name: Freya. • All sleeping now. • Photos attached below.

Hi everyone! She's finally here! Still absolutely buzzing, haven't slept but who cares honestly! She's so tiny and perfect and I can't stop staring at her. Sorry for the ramble, just completely overwhelmed!

Voice message (1:03)

She has the Family Nose. Absolutely unmistakable. The Bridge. Freya has it.

Erm, Mum says she's got your nose actually Margaret! Straight on, no bridge at all really, very dainty!

Right then. I've decided on the christening cake for little Freya. I'm going to dictate the recipe because my hands are playing up. Ready?

Oh wonderful! I've got my phone ready. Will take notes. Mum are you sure your hands aren't just being lazy.

• To eggs wished slightly. • One hundred and seventy five degrees. • Butter and sugar. Did you say to eggs wished slightly, Mum.

Two eggs. Whisked Lightly. Love, Mum.

To eggs wished slightly sounds like it

To eggs wished slightly that's so funny! Like just give it a half-hearted little whisk and hope for the best! I love it! Sorry I'm being silly!

just going to commit to it honestly to eggs wished slightly from now on

Right. So we're CLEAR. TWO EGGS. WHISKED LIGHTLY. Not wished. Not half-hearted. I'm documenting this properly. Mum is that butter room temperature.

The Rose is out again this year. Isn't it lovely. Love, Mum.

same rose

- Right on schedule. - Have we got a record of all the captions? - This is the eighth year running I think.

Oh it's so gorgeous! Mum sends me a photo every year and I always forget until I see it in May and I'm like oh right, the ROSE! It's like a little tradition now isn't it! Sorry I'm being sentimental!

why do we do this

It's just the same rose Paul. Nothing to remark on.

remarking on it anyway

- Paul please. - Has anyone actually pulled up the old captions? - I want to do a comparison.

It really does look almost identical to last year though! The petal arrangement is the same and everything! Sorry I'm rambling again!

The rose has done well this year. Margaret x

somehow you typed that faster than I could even open the notification

is this the same one from like 2021

• Yes. • It's the same rose. • Every year. • That's rather the point.

no but like i'm actually comparing it to the 2021 photo and the angle is identical. the rose is literally the same rose different lighting

I love that you've just committed to this analysis! You're probably right though, rose bushes don't really move around do they? Sorry that was a silly thing to say, of course they don't move!

tom's discovered botany

Mum what was that.

OMG mum sent a voice note!!! This is historic!! I'm listening now!

Oh my GOD that was brilliant!! The magpie!! I'm crying!! Did everyone else listen?? She's got such a lovely voice on the voice note actually, I never realised!

just listened. anyway thats all that happened

• Mum that was magnificent. • The fish finger detail was perfect. • You've found your medium.

Well. I wasn't sure if it would work. Ruth suggested I try the voice message button. I thought I'd lost my marbles when I pressed it. Anyway. That's all that's happened.

Margaret x

margaret x

Absolutely not. Mum please send more. This is gold.

did she just

OH MY GOD the voice to text made her sound like she's having a stroke!!! 'Spry as a nut meg in the morning dew' - that's not even words Mum!!

lmaooo wait is this real or did someone mess with the transcription

This is the magpie message. From March. I should REALLY replay it but we've got Sam's voice note from March too at zero plays. The magpie one is at least comprehensible now.

has anyone ever

alright

Mum we discussed this. Type it out or it's a mystery. Last time I got 'nut meg' and we never recovered.

Oh nonsense Ruth. This one is Crystal clear. I'm making my summer trifle. Sponge fingers, jam, custard, sherry generous glue, whipped cream. Make a note.

generous glue

Mum. MUM. Are you baking or building flat pack furniture. Sherry generous GLUE.

Oh my god no! Please tell me that's what the voice note said! I'm crying this is brilliant! This is going straight into the family lore this is. Sorry for the long message Mum I know you don't like them but this genuinely made my day!

Well it's very clearly sherry. A generous glug. For the trifle.

better than any sitcom honestly

I'm almost afraid to ask. What happened at the Co-op.

mum it was just the queue. eleven minutes apparently

brutal

Eleven minutes. For a queue. And she recorded a voice note about it. Right. The standard of complaining has really evolved in this family hasn't it.

I'm sorry I totally overreacted there! Eleven minutes is actually quite reasonable though for a Wednesday lunchtime at the Whitstable Co-op! Sorry for being dramatic!

So we have some news! Dan and I are expecting!! Baby due in March! Still getting my head around it all to be honest but we're really pleased. Sorry this is quite long but I'm just so excited and needed to tell you all. Can't quite believe it's actually happening!

congratulations

ELLIE. Oh my goodness. This is wonderful news!. • March baby. • Already thinking about knitting patterns. • Will need to know: Boy, girl or surprise?. So many plans to make.

Aw tell Margaret I love her! And Ruth yes we're going to find out what we're having in a few weeks. Dan's mum is already quite intense about it all which is... a lot.

Right. • Nursery furniture - I have contacts. • Baby clothes - we need to think sustainable. • Visits to hospital - diary planning required. Ellie you'll need support. We'll sort it.

You're all so lovely honestly I'm going to cry happy tears everywhere. Dan keeps grinning at me like I've done something clever when really it's just science! Anyway I'll stop rambling now. Night all x

voice message (5:23)

Mum did you just send a five minute voice note at 8am?

Just listened!! Mum that was so sweet congratulating me about the baby but also I am SCREAMING at the story about your labour in the corridor!! With the bedpans!! I had no idea you were in the hallway for six hours! That's actually insane that's so wild! Sorry this is a long message but honestly that was the best audio I've ever received from you, Margaret x

Well it was rather eventful. The midwife said I was a Trooper. Love, Mum.

margaret x is peak comedy to me

Just back from the Hospital. Spry as anything..

how'd it go

Mum! We've been waiting to hear. What did they say? • Results okay? • Doctor happy with recovery? • Any concerns raised?

All clear. Spry as anything. Love, Mum.

Right. Final check before tomorrow.• Ellie - turkey defrosted?.• Tom - table set?.• Paul - wine sorted?.• Sam - you're still coming?.• Margaret - are you actually ready this time.

Turkey is defrosting! Well, it's sort of defrosting. It's cold anyway which is the main thing! Sorry, I know you asked a simple question and I've gone on about the turkey lifecycle again!

margaret sent a voice note at 18:25 to a text group. brave move

voice message (2:43)

This is the best thing that's ever happened I'm actually in tears laughing!!! That was so brilliant Margaret!! The Boots bag!! I'm absolutely crying!!

Absolutely magnificent. You've found the only thing better than the wrapping paper itself.

voice message (0:08)

IT'S HAPPENING. Ellie in active labour. We're at William Harvey. Will update as soon as there's news. Fingers crossed everyone!

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I can't sit still. Margaret x

Hi everyone, just a quick message before things get more intense - mum's got me sorted and I'm feeling ready! Contractions are getting closer together. Wish me luck! Sorry this is probably the least eloquent I'll ever be given the circumstances!

- Midwife says everything looking good. - Ellie's doing brilliantly. - Likely a few more hours. - We're all keeping calm and making tea!

BABY IS HERE. Freddie James arrived at 15:41. 7lb 4oz. Mum and baby both absolutely perfect. Photos coming!

[Voice message (1:03)]

Mum... are you crying?

Oh don't be daft. He's Beautiful. Absolutely Beautiful. Love, Mum.

cheers for that

[voice message (1:47)]

did she just send a voice note

Mum! I'm so excited! Was she able to see him properly? I've been wondering all day how it went with the phone being all complicated and everything! I'm sorry this is long I just really want to know!

She couldn't work out which way to hold the phone. Spent the first five minutes showing Freddie her ceiling. Then her ear. Then what appears to be the inside of her handbag. THEN she figured out it was upside down.

turn your phone the other way grandma [reaction gif showing elderly person struggling with technology]

Oh my gosh that's so funny! But did she actually get to see him in the end? Please say she did! I'm dying to know if she could see his little face!

- She did eventually. Took about seven minutes and a phonecall to me. Which I didn't answer because I was dealing with Tom's washing. - Freddie was asleep the whole time. - She says she's spry enough to work out technology next time.

He had the most Lovely Smile when he woke up right at the End. Even upside down it was Perfect. Love, Mum.

Here's This Year's Rose. Such a Good Show This Year. Love, Mum.

- Absolutely STUNNING. - That's six years in a row now. - Have we considered framing them all in a grid for your birthday?

Oh my goodness this is so lovely! I was literally just thinking about how we've got all these photos now and they're all so similar but like in the BEST way?? Like a beautiful tradition! Sorry that was long.

[voice message (1:04)]

- Did everyone hear that? - She says yes to the grid. - And that the rose is 'spry' this year.

the rose is spry now

voice message (2:14)

wait what

• Listened to the message. • I'm afraid I have questions.

Oh my goodness that was absolutely hilarious!! Margaret negotiating with a wasp like it was a business meeting?? The part where you told it you'd "respect its boundaries" had me in stitches! Sorry that was long I do go on!

did she actually let it out or did it stage a coup

voice message (0:31)

I'm still thinking about "we came to an understanding" - Margaret you absolute legend!

margaret vs wasp 2025 is now in my files forever next to the rose photos

voice message (2:14)

Mum did you just send a recipe as a voice note. Please tell me you used the voice to text.

I am being Modern and Helpful. It's a chutney recipe. The phone has written it all down for you.

Oh no I'm checking the transcription now and I'm so sorry but Margaret it says "two tablespoons of nut meg" did you mean nutmeg??? I'm dying laughing!

Three years. Three years this has happened. The phone has literally never once learned that it's one word.

Well I say Nutmeg quite clearly. It's not my fault the Telephone is Thick.

No no you're right Margaret, it's definitely the phone being thick not you!! It's just so funny that it's been nut meg every single time! Should we try typing the recipe out instead?

voice message (0:14)

Mum! Are you alright? Did you get it out?

Oh my god a SPIDER! Mum did you manage to catch it or just leave it there?!

Caught it in a cup and released it into the garden. Perfectly spry. Love, Mum.

Thank goodness. • Were you in the bath at the time? • Did it come back in?

I'm so glad you're okay!! Those things can actually be quite docile honestly, they're more scared of you than you are of them! Although I understand the shock, spiders in the bath are genuinely terrifying even if they're harmless!! Sorry for the paragraph! x

[gif of spider running away] margaret speedrunning that

That gif is from 2023 Tom! 😂

voice message (2:18)

Oh my god mum I'm sat in the Tesco car park actually crying right now.

What's happened.! WHAT'S HAPPENED.

She sent a voice note about Freddie's Christmas jumper and I just!! The way she was talking about how it's entirely the wrong size but entirely perfect and I cannot stop crying in a Tesco car park like some sort of deranged person.

I'm listening now. Oh. Oh that's. Right. Yes. I see.

I'm sorry this is so dramatic I just! The way she said 'Love, Mum,' at the end like she was signing off in person and I could just hear her voice and oh god I'm doing it again.

voice message (0:31)

[image omitted - meme about harry kane transfer]

mate that was 2024

• Tom. • This happened two years ago. • Please check before posting.

That's rather Stale, Thomas. Love, Mum.

did margaret just roast me

yes

• Well done Margaret. • This is character development.

Right. Easter baking starts NOW. Margaret are you ready to share the simnel cake recipe? We need it for Sunday.

Right. So. Cream together butter and sugar. Then add six grand almonds.

grand almonds sounds like a luxury cereal

Ha! But wait, does she mean ground almonds? Because that's what you'd usually use right? I'm probably overthinking this sorry!

Ground. Grand almonds.

She says ground. Grand almonds. Which I think means ground almonds Margaret but the voice to text has done you dirty.

Right. We are going with grand almonds. This is now canon. Margaret x

The Rose is coming. First bud of the year. Simply marvellous. Love, Mum.

Oh Mum this is so lovely! The rose is back! I swear it's like clockwork with you, you and that rose! Every year you get that exact same photo and I love it every single time! Sorry that was long x

rose watch year 6

OH MY GOD YEAR 6!!! That means we've been doing this for six years!! That's incredible!! The rose has witnessed six years of our chats!! I'm getting emotional about your rose Mum, sorry x

Did anyone actually listen to what Mum just sent or are we all pretending.

Just taken a photograph of the David Austin rose. It's looking absolutely splendid this year. The colour is so rich.

Looking beautiful Mum. • That's got to be five years running now. • I'll need to come round and get a proper photo for the album.

I'm just popping outside to deadhead some of the spent flowers. The heat is quite something today.

Don't overdo it Mum. • Have you got water with you? • It's nearly 28 degrees.

Voice message (0:31)

Mum? Are you okay?

I'm coming over. • Don't move. • I'm leaving now.

She had a dizzy spell in the garden. She's sitting down now. • I'm making her stay in the kitchen where it's cool. • She's insisting she's spry as anything but she went very pale.

Margaret I'm so glad you're okay!! That must have been really scary! You should definitely see a doctor though, just to be safe!

Absolutely not. Heat. Nothing more. Spry as anything. Love, Mum.

She's done it again this year, three blooms and going strong. Love, Mum.

identical caption every year. respect the consistency

• Rose appears annually. • Margaret documents with precision. • We are witnessing botanical history. Love this.

comparison grid attached. this is the 6th identical opening line

Oh my god I love this so much!! The rose just knows what it's doing every summer!! I'm sorry this is so sweet but honestly the consistency is actually making me emotional. Three blooms, every single time! Margaret x

Tom that's not what I asked. Please tell me you're not just turning up with a meme t-shirt again.

its definitely a meme t shirt

I shall be spry as ever today. Tell your Father to expect me at two o'clock. Love, Mum.

Mum has just sent me a photo of the rose! It's looking absolutely beautiful this year, the blooms are so full and pink, and oh my goodness the way the light is hitting it is just perfect! Has anyone else got the photo yet?

[Margaret in the meme shirt grinning at camera]

NO SHE DIDN'T!! MARGARET IS WEARING THE MEME SHIRT!! This is the best thing that has ever happened! How did you convince her?!

Thomas said it was Very Current. I am Spry in it. Send it to your Mother. Margaret x

That is the best birthday photo. Paul's going to treasure that forever.

OH MY GOD you lot, Freddie's crawling! Actually crawling on his own! I have the most blurry video ever but I had to capture the moment and obviously the camera decided to betray me but look at this!!

[video omitted]

mate thats miles ahead of what sam was doing at that age

That's wonderful! Sam was nearly 10 months. Freddie's what, seven? Really ahead of schedule. Well done little man.

[voice message (0:23)]

He's absolutely shattered now, completely passed out face-down on the play mat! Honestly the best day, Margaret that message made me cry happy tears, love you so much x

voice message (1:23)

two eggs whisked lightly love margaret

The Chutney. For The Fete. Love, Mum.

Wait but isn't your chutney the apple and plum one? That doesn't have eggs in it! Why would there be eggs?!

Sam nobody's going to listen to that! Mum maybe she said something that sounds like eggs? Like... nutmeg? Did she say nutmeg?!

Yes. Nut Meg. Two tablespoons. I am still spry you know. Made it yesterday.

two eggs whisked lightly love margaret will live in my head rent free forever

Resting. Back next year, same as always. Margaret x

She's done it again. The Rose Returns. Mark your calendars everyone.• Photo posted: check.• Caption deployed: check.• Annual tradition maintained: CHECK.

Oh my god I love that she just KNOWS we're waiting for this! Like the whole year we've been wondering and then boom, there it is, frost and all! It's so beautiful Mum, really, the frost makes it look even more ethereal somehow, like it's sleeping not dead, which I suppose is what you meant by resting! Sorry that was a lot.

Right. While we're all here. Christmas planning commences as of NOW.• Margaret's house: confirmed.• Dates we're looking at: 20th-27th December ideally.• Tom are you actually finishing uni this year or do we need to work around exams.• Paul do you have any NHS shifts that week.

Christmas sorted. Mum's being Spry about the whole thing. Well done everyone.

spry indeed margaret x